the words that carry the hope

if you read this in a feed reader....

2009-03-07T14:43:00.001-05:00

....please redirect to thewordsthatcarrythehope.com

yay!

best job in the world!

2009-03-03T11:39:00.003-05:00

within my first year in new york city i met this cool chick named angie. i don't really remember how/when we became friends, but one day we did and now we are. she is a big supporter of my travels and adventures and, even better, she understands them because she is a travel and adventure addict herself.

i love hanging out with angie. she's approachable and quick-witted and easy to talk to. there is never an awkward lull in our conversations because we always have something to discuss, whether it be this season of the bachelor or her way fun job or something one of us has blogged about or where an airplane will take us next.

also, she makes pictures look better because she's so pretty:

not sure what happened, but obviously it was a travesty.

or we're just dramatic.

the reason i'm sharing this with you (yes! i have a point!) is that angie is one of the 50 finalists for the best job in the world. that's 50 out of 34,000 applications. i truly believe that she would be excellent for this job and i'm glad that the judges agree with me.

please head over to the island reef site and cast your vote for angie DAILY for the next 21 days! and you can read more about her australia adventure here.

40 Days

2009-02-26T11:57:00.006-05:00

Ash Wednesday was yesterday, thus beginning the Lenten season. I am not one for tradition or "doing" religion for the sake of religion, but I'm a fan of Lent.

This year I have done some research (read: looked it up on the internets) to figure out what exactly Lent is and why people do it, and here's what I've learned:

Lent is a season of fasting and prayer before Easter, usually celebrated by abstaining, which to me sounds like a great paradox. But more on that later. Fasting usually means abstaining from some (or all, though this is not a good idea for 40 days, in my opinion) food, and may be total or partial concerning that from which one fasts, and may be prolonged or intermittent as to the period of fasting. Some decide to pick one food to give up, like meat or sweets. Other people celebrate Lent by abstaining from things that could be unhealthy in their lives, like spending too much time on the internet. A good friend of mine is going to make a concentrated effort to not talk badly about people for 40 days and I think that's wonderful - and is definitely a challenge for most of us except for my roommate Katie because she is pretty close to perfect in the no gossip department.

Lent is a 40 day period that most commonly begins on Ash Wednesday and ends on Holy Saturday(not counting Sundays).

BUT! I just learned that there are other ways to count the 40 days:
- Some start on Ash Wednesday and end on Palm Sunday and count Sundays as part of Lent.
- Others start on the first Sunday after Ash Wednesday and end on Holy Thursday, also known as Maundy Thursday (the day before Good Friday). [AND! SIDE NOTE! For all of you who celebrate Maundy Thursday (like I do) and have no idea what it means (like i did, until today), maundy is derived from the first word of the Latin phrase Mandatum novum do vobis ut diligatis invicem sicut dilexi vos which is John 13:24, the words Jesus used to explain to the Apostles why he was washing their feet. LOVE IT!]

The number 40 is spiritually significant for many reasons:
- It rained for 40 days and nights during the great flood (you know, the whole Noah and the ark thing)
- Moses spent 40 days on Mount Sinai with God (WITH GOD! HOW COOL IS THAT?!?) and then another 40 days and 40 nights on the mountain WITH GOD a second time.
- The Israelites spent 40 days exploring the Promised Land and then had to spend 40 years in the desert before reaching the Promised Land (pretty much because they were complainy brats)
- After Jesus was resurrected, He spent 40 days with his disciples before he ascended into Heaven

And there are a bunch more in the Bible, check them out for yourself.

I tell you all of this because while I'm not a big fan of traditionalism, I am a big fan of symbolism...must be the English degree rearing its ugly head. Just like I love the Lord's Supper because it symbolizes the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus. It's a moment, maybe fifteen minutes, where we stop and remember what He did for us.

And I love the Lenten season because it's a symbol to the world (much like Advent) that we're waiting for something more. So why do we "celebrate" by abstaining? Because that which we pursue that is of this world is nothing compared to pursuing God. He is infinitely better than anything we can fathom. Abstaining does not show God how much we love Him and it does not make Him love us more, but instead helps to put things in a proper perspective - that He is greater than I.

I committed to spending thirty minutes a day in prayer for the next forty days. Though that might not seem like a lot of time to all of you super Christians, it is a big commitment for me. I'm almost ashamed to admit this, but entire days pass before I even acknowledge the presence of my Creator. I forget to let Him love me so that I can love other people. And my relationship with Jesus has GOT to be first, before my relationship with anybody/anything else (even the amazing relationship I have cultivated with sleep!)

So what am I "giving up" for Lent this year?

Myself.

My hopes, my dreams, my desires. My future and my past.

I'm laying it all out before Him. I've asked Him to transform me. It's a scary thing for me, but I'm ready to jump off the cliff.

"Sometimes the only way is jumping, I hope you're not afraid of heights" - Gavin DeGraw

beautiful

2009-02-21T17:40:00.006-05:00

she likes attention. she wants everyone to know she has arrived and causes a commotion as the door to the nail salon swings wide open.

she rolls in slowly with the help of her assistant. she's wearing fur, of course, and tons of jewelry. her face is streaked with too-bright makeup: heavy blush (though she might call it 'rouge'), eyebrows drawn on, lipstick over-lining her lips and dripping into the deep-set wrinkles around her mouth.

she has just had her hair done, and it resembles a style from the 40's. she loves the lavender tulips in a jar by the counter and comments on them more than once.

she is 96 years old. she loves fashion. she is a former model - "i used to be tall!" she says. she's been watching fashion week on television, remembering the old days before "fashion died."

she is beautiful.

i watch in fascination as you engage her in conversation without hesitation. you ask her questions and really listen to her answers. you make eye contact. you treat her gently, like a friend, like someone you truly want to know.

you tell her you love her hair. you respond to her declaration that she used to model with a genuine, "i can tell!" you agree with her that the tulips are an exquisite shade of lavender.

you have 'love' tattooed on the inside of your wrist as if you need a reminder. in this moment, you don't care what is easy for you, you only care about her comfort. You aren't concerned with your own agenda, or your own time - instead, you are attentive to her needs.

you are beautiful.

as I'm swimming through the stereo, i'm writing you a symphony of sound

2009-02-11T14:28:00.008-05:00

welcome to can't! stop! listening! to! volume IV, the super special Valentine's Edition.

Volume I - what matters most? everything that you feel while listening to every word i sing
Volume II - sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
Volume III - sing out, sing out, your voice is all you have

I'm a sucker for a good love song and especially for certain lines in a good love song:

1. Hero/Heroine, Boys Like Girls
And I feel a weakness coming on
ever felt so good to be so wrong
Had my heart on lockdown
And then you turned me around

2. Love Is Waiting, Brooke Fraser
I could write a million songs about the way you say my name
I could live a lifetime with you and then do it all again

3. The Minstrel's Prayer, Cartel
Just hold the hand and drop the knee
You're facing love
You're embracing melody

4. Stolen, Dashboard Confessional
You have stolen my heart
And from the ballroom floor we are in celebration
One good stretch before our hibernation
Our dreams assured and we all, will sleep well

5. This Year's Love, David Gray
This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
and I've been waiting on my own too long

6. When the Lights Go Out, Derek Webb & Sandra McCracken
In the middle of this circus
You’re the thing that gets me through
So I dive beneath the surface and close my eyes and see you

7. More Than Anyone, Gavin DeGraw
Look in my eyes, what do you see?
Not just the color
Look inside of me
Tell me all you need and I will try
I will try
I'm going to love you more than anyone

8. Power of Two, Indigo Girls
You know the things
I'm afraid ofI'm not afraid to tell
And if we ever leave a legacy
It's that we loved each other well

9. Better Together, Jack Johnson
Love is the answer,
At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?
And how come it's so hard?
It's not always easy
and sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together

10. MFEO -Made for Each Other/ You Can Breathe, Jack's Mannequin
And maybe, we were made
We were made for each other
Is it possible for the world to look this way forever?

11. Lucky, Jason Mraz
They don't know how long it takes
Waiting for a love like this
Every time we say goodbye
I wish we had one more kiss
I'll wait for you
I promise you, I will

12. Honey And The Moon, Joseph Arthur
Don't know why I'm still afraid
If you weren't real I would make you up now
I wish that I could follow through
I know that your love is true and deep as the sea

13. Hamburg Song, Keane
I'd like to bring a little light
To shine a light on your life
To make you feel loved
No, don't wanna be the only one you know
I wanna be the place you call home

14. Falling In Love At a Coffee Shop, Landon Pigg
I think that possibly
Maybe I'm falling for you
No one understands me quite like you do
Through all of the shadowy corners of me

15. She Will Be Loved, Maroon 5
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved

16. Augustine, Nevertheless
Don't say a word
I hope that you know
There's truth in the way that we feel
The current is strong
I'll never let go of you

17. When It Don't Come Easy, Patty Griffin
But if you break down
I'll drive out and find you
If you forget my love
I'll try to remind you
And stay by you when it don't come easy

18. Such Great Heights, The Postal Service
And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us into
Corresponding shapes like puzzles pieces
From the clay

19. This Everyday Love, Rascal Flatts
Every afternoon I make a phone call
Listen to the voice that warms my heart
I drag myself through a few more hours
Then head on home to try and beat the dark
Her smile will be right there, when I step through that door
And it will be that way tomorrow, just like everyday before

20. Your Call, Secondhand Serenade
'Cause I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to
to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

21. Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

22. Island, The Starting Line
Let's sail away
Find our own country
We'll build a house and beds out of palm trees
Let's get away
Let's push our lives aside

23. Fast Car, Tracy Chapman
I remember we were driving driving in your car
The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I had a feeling that I belonged
And I had a feeling I could be someone...

24. A Man and a Woman, U2
You can run from love
And if it's really love it'll find you

25. Bridge Over Troubled Water, Simon and Garfukel*
When darkness comes
And pains is all around
Like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down
* Suggested by alison, because i was stuck at #24 (thanks, friend!)

goal for february --

2009-02-05T17:56:00.002-05:00

blog more.

yeah, 5 days in, and i'm already behind. but i really enjoyed blogging every day in november until things got crazy, so this month i'm going to really try to write more.

it is healthy.

and i got a new computer, so i have no excuse.

but now, i'm going home because it's 6:00 (or rather, i'm going to have dinner and watch grey's with maria, because it's 6:00)

new.

2009-01-27T22:00:00.002-05:00

i've been back in the States for 2 weeks and i feel like maybe i can start to put my time in Ethiopia into words. maybe.

The only other country (besides the US) i can compare ET to is China…and the similarities begin and end at the super long plane rides and the overpowering smell of pollution. Even the plane rides were different – the trip to China was quiet for the most part. People didn’t really talk to each other unless they were traveling together. On the way to ET, everyone walked the aisles, hung out with each other like they were family, and children were screaming (The. Whole. Way. There.) Imagine chaos and you’ve got the flight to and from Ethiopia. Yes, it annoyed me, and no I couldn’t sleep, but I couldn’t help but notice and appreciate the difference in cultures.

The first day we were in country we spent time at the House of Hope. The HOH is kind of like a halfway house for children who have been matched with a family. They leave their orphanages and stay there until their family (from another country) comes to pick them up. The anticipation, at least amongst the older kids, is palpable. They have been chosen! They are going to be adopted into a new family and get a new name and a new life and a new home!

While we were playing with these SUPER CUTE kids all i could think about was their impending adoptions and how like God it is to take a life that was headed in one direction and make it new. The Bible talks about adoption in several places but i’m not sure i understood it until that day in Africa. Not only was I chosen (Eph 1:11-12) but I was (and am) transformed! I got a new life and a new (eternal) home.

The part that struck me the most about adoption was that the children are given a new name. It’s such a spiritual concept. I LOVE this about God! In Isaiah 62, Isaiah prophesies that, although Jerusalem was spiritually corrupt, one day they would be restored to glory. The people of Jerusalem were familiar with feelings of desolation and abandonment, but God promised that the days of war and destruction would pass and they will know how much He delights in them. He even promised to change their name (vs. 2)to reflect their transformation.

All our lives we are labeled. As children we are called names on the playground and as we get older we start to believe the lies that we are told. We believe we are too much or not enough, that we are too fat, too skinny, too [fill in the blank], that we are annoying, that we’re ugly, that we just can’t live up to expectations. But we have to trust that God absolutely did not intend for us to live our lives as if these labels belong to us, to claim them as if they’re our own.

Instead, He has changed my name! I am no longer called insecure, anxious, fearful, ashamed, or worthless, but instead a crown of splendor, a royal diadem, delightful, worth rejoicing over!

The children at House of Hope eagerly wait for their adoptive parents. Because they were chosen, they believe that rescue is coming. They will be given a new name. And with this new name comes the faith that what once was ashes will become beautiful.

home sweet home

2009-01-11T11:24:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm back from possibly the best trip I've ever taken...if you know me at all you know that God has allowed me to travel quite extensively (by some standards) over the past few years and I can't honestly say I've enjoyed a place as much as I enjoyed Ethiopia.
I'm still in TN, but as soon as I get back to New York you can rest assured there will be stories and pictures to come. For now, head over to gloryology.com for ellie's first blog post-africa!

a letter to the elizabeth of 2009

2008-12-19T10:12:00.004-05:00

dear elizabeth of 2009,

remember this. remember the anticipation you wake with every morning. remember how you have to tell yourself, "youcandoit...5 more days [of work], 4 more days, 3 more days. youcandoit." then you go home for a week. then africa.

...africa. the word even sounds different to you now. it rolls off your tongue gently, with the knowledge that you'll be there soon. it swirls in your brain multiple times a day. it is a word that - for now - represents waiting, planning, a culmination of faith, big visions coming into fruition. it will sound different to you in january when you are there, and it is a word that will represent hope and joy and change for the rest of your life.

remember the lists you make as if you can really prepare yourself for this. remember the multiple phone calls with your partner in all things adventurous about the millions of small details that you get to take care of. remember the way you started packing 3 weeks before you leave, because you are just that excited.

remember the people who contributed their time, money, and prayers to make this happen. remember the first check you got in july from someone who believes in you - before you even bought your plane ticket . remember the girl who met you, heard about your trip, and wrote you a check all within 15 minutes because she has a heart for orphans. remember how you got a check in the mail from family friend, and the next day your sister - in - law asked if you could find people to help her pay for the shoes she found wholesale. remember how every child you meet in africa will have a pair of shoes because of a check and a phone call. remember the little girl who is already wearing her red wristband and prays for your safety [from wasps and bees!] every night. remember the sweet woman from church who doesn't know you very well but still handed you cash in an envelope, and remember your friend from church who dropped a check in the mail just this week and is now paying for your expenses in country. remember there are more stories than you can even begin write down.

most of all, remember the One who made you for this. who chose you for this. remember that He designed you . remember that He has given you everything you need. remember that He deserves ALL of the credit, ALL of the glory, ALL of the fame. remember that He loves you and that sumission to authority=a lifetime of mind blowing adventures.

love,
elizabeth of 2008

advent.

2008-12-15T11:17:00.003-05:00

i wish i could take credit for this but i can't.

my friend ellie of merry everyday fame, as well as my partner in all things adventurous, wrote about advent on gloryology the other day, and it was so good i wanted to share.

(i apologize in advance if it makes you cry, because it makes me cry every time i read it!)

I’ve stopped several times over the past couple of weeks in an attempt to gather and form these thoughts into words. The season of Advent is unfamiliar territory to me (I admit I’m a tad ashamed). I remember lighting the candles each Sunday leading up to Christmas; I’ve heard the term Advent; but I can’t confirm that I’ve ever really grasped the larger concept or how it applies to daily living. So this Advent season I’ve been reading a book called Watch for the Light—I highly recommend it!

When I first started reading the book, I looked up the word advent and this is what my dashboard dictionary told me: advent, the arrival of a notable person, thing, or event. (Now that sounds like something I want to celebrate—how royal and noteworthy, and to think its something I believe!)

That suffices as a functional summary—in the least a foundation on which God has gradually been building the concept of Advent for me. Here is where I’ve been:

1. We annually celebrate Advent as the season leading up to Christmas, the birth of Jesus, the arrival of our Saviour, the reminder that He will come again.

2. Advent is largely a season of waiting. A season leading up to the arrival of something or someone constitutes waiting and likely for an unknown time. Sometimes we know what we’re waiting for, sometimes we don’t though it does seem we’re always waiting for something. So Advent happens over and over again in our lifetime.

3. How we wait is important and fairly indicative of our faith (see Luke 1, Zechariah vs. Mary).

4. Jesus is coming continually into our hearts and lives. He came from the womb of Mary. He arrives in our hearts when we begin our personal relationship with God. He graciously reveals Himself daily if we are diligent to watch for Him and sometimes even when we’re not. And I believe He beckons us out of our commercial holiday, not to refuse the celebration, but to acknowledge His presence, to behold His power, to give thanks for His grace, to be mindful of Him, to have our priorities reorganized, to prepare our hearts to receive more, to give us a glimpse of what is to come, the list goes on.

5. We wait for Him still.

I will fail to capture in this small space my witness to His coming. But I’ll try. We began our season of waiting earlier this year. There were highs and lows, but by far we refused to make M.E. happen on our own accord. We waited for God to unveil His marked path and determined the course accordingly. Had I thought to watch earlier I would have taken better notes.

I’ve seen Jesus come…in the first excited donation we received months ago before a stocking was ever mentioned, in the lady who even in a struggling economy staring job loss in the face has purchased more stockings for us with the arrival of each paycheck, in the family praying diligently for our trip while wishing with broken hearts that their own Ethiopian baby was home with them, in the family who not only opened up their hearts and home to their own adopted children but send a family’s worth of stockings to those who remain in orphanages, in the ones who give though they live on their own raised support, in the loyal friends who have followed the blog and participated though we haven’t communicated in months, in the couple who gave big not knowing the need, in the one who turned that gift into four boxes of shoes and then some, in the tiny church community who so generously gave us a place to lay our heads in Africa, in the youth groups and family and corporations and non-profits, and in the ones who used their spare change to buy my junk. Oh, I’ve seen Jesus! And there are others to whom I’m grateful. There are people on this continent I’ve never met who are wearing a red wristband and praying. And I am truly awestruck that this is only the beginning. Because it is not about the gifts or the stuff or the money or the givers or the planners or the go-ers. This all simply rests on the arrival of Jesus, His faithfulness to show Himself to those who believe, and His love extended to us even when we don’t.

So more than I want to offer a meager thank you (and we do Thank You), I just want to encourage you to watch for the Light.

Also, another great blog post on advent:
"Recovering the spirit of Advent can take many forms, but at the core it simply means to make space to be vulnerable with yourself and those in your community about the things you long for which only God can do. And in that space, remember that Christmas is about the miraculous, the supernatural, the 'are you kidding me, this can't be true?,' about the incomprehensible God of Gods with skin, moving into the neighborhood."

AFRICA!

2008-12-14T17:45:00.000-05:00

check me out at gloryology.com today!

8675309 JENNY!

2008-12-05T13:27:00.004-05:00

i'm back from my self - imposed - not - on - purpose blogging hiatus...after posting 23 DAYS IN A ROW i guess i needed a small break.

i'm breaking the silence to introduce you, my billions of readers (read: ten) to one of my favorite people in the whole world. ever.

jenny wyatt gearhart has started a blog. and y'all, she is one of the funniest people i've ever met. just check out her gynecologist story!

jenny and i have known each other pretty much our whole lives - we grew up together, our moms are friends, etc. but we were in the same sorority in college and because of that special sisterhood (please click that link so you know why i'm being sarcastic) we became really close friends (read: i basically moved in with her and her parents for 2 years...her mom did my laundry!)

i love jenny for so many reasons, and i'm glad that she is choosing to share herself with the internets. i promise, you will be glad too, so go say hi!

second chances

2008-11-25T22:54:00.004-05:00

i skipped yesterday because i forgot.
I BLOGGED 23 DAYS IN A ROW AND I RUINED IT BECAUSE I FORGOT. WHO DOES THAT?

anyway, whatev, moving on....i've been busy. but i did get an email today and i wanted to share part of it, because it was so encouraging to read.

"....i feel like for most of my life, i've been fragmented. i've compartmentalized areas/times of my life into neat little boxes and kept them labeled (kinda like your gmail - haha), but by doing that, i've never really allowed myself to be whole. over the past few months, through God's grace and healing, He's been bringing all of those pieces together...allowing me to accept who i was and who i am, the good and the bad. restoring me. like....my life is a jigsaw puzzle, with some pieces here put together and another part over there and separately, they make various little images, glimpses of my life. but my Father is slowly sliding all of those pieces together into one complete picture. and everyday i get a glimpse of who i am in Christ...who i can be and who i will be."

so many people around me have been feeling broken and fragmented. 2008 has been a hard year...but He is the great Healer and is putting us back together, piece by piece.

you are exactly my brand of heroin.

2008-11-23T22:11:00.005-05:00

i can't believe there's only a week of november left and i've actually managed to post every day for 3 weeks. i have wanted to give up so many times, especially given that november has definitely be a crazy month, yet somehow i've managed to do it. and i guess i'm glad i have, because it's also been a good month, filled with friends and family and laughter and love amongst the loss and grief.

anyway, onto my thoughts about the twilight movie:

- first and foremost, i thought it translated well. i saw it again last night with 3 people who hadn't read the books and they loved it - which meant the plot flowed well enough that they could understand it

- i love robert pattinson and kristen stewart as edward and bella. i thought they were perfect. i love his facial expressions and she played the part of a klutz very well. i thought everyone was cast well except rosalie, and i'll just have to get used to her.

- i wish the intensity between edward and bella had been played up more. but i still got tingles when they kissed :)

- i like how they set up the end for new moon and even eclipse, even if that part was written into the script (the part w/ victoria walking down the stairs)

- i LOVE alice (ashley greene) but where's her story? i think the cullen's stories are important and i don't think they're going to tell them :(

- jasper's (jackson rathbourne's) facial expressions crack me up

- i'm skeptical of jacob (taylor lautner). i want to love him the way i love jacob in the books. i don't know if he can carry a whole movie.

- bella wears sweatpants - where were they?

- why did bella not cook for charlie?

- why does stephenie meyer think she needs to be in her own movie?

- LOVED the soundtrack - even more-so now after noticing the placement of the songs

- the graduation hats? hilarious.

i'm sure i'll think of more and i'll add them if i do.... of course the book is better than the movie. of course. but i still really enjoyed seeing my favorite book come to life and i CAN'T WAIT for new moon!

top ten reasons i love coming home:

2008-11-22T18:44:00.003-05:00

1. spending a significant amt of time with my entire family.

2. i love to drive.

3. celebrating the life of my incredible grandfather!

4. rose (= my blackberry) and ruby (= el's blackberry) got to meet for the first time

5. spending the day in nashville = sushi at pm and cupcakes at gigi's!

6. seeing twilight twice for a fraction of the cost with some of my FAVORITE people

7. sleeping in my own bed

8. attending crosspoint

9. it doesn't hurt wearing heels - the longest i have to walk is to the car :)

10. target and chick fil a!

eulogy.

2008-11-21T09:26:00.002-05:00

Shelah A. Adams was born March 16, 1929, in Rutherford County. He was raised on a farm in the Leanna Community and enjoyed the close knit country family life with his four brothers and one sister. He attended the Training School and Central High School. He was a veteran of the National Guard. He married Idalee Drake on Christmas Eve 1950 and they had three girls, Shelia, Suzan, and Sherrie. After the death of Idalee in 1993, he married Katherine Johnson, whom we all call Sissy.

Survivors include his daughters, sons-in-law: Mike Warren and Donny Bratton; six wonderful grandchildren: Daniel Woodard, Kyle, Matthew, and Ruth Warren, and Elizabeth and Kathleen Duncan, and his sister, Agnes. He is preceded in death by Idalee Drake Adams and son-in-law, Eddie Graves.

Big Daddy, as he was affectionately known by his grandchildren, grew a beard every Christmas just because they loved to pretend he was Santa Claus. He always smelled the same, like cigarettes and Old Spice. Big Daddy loved well and with a fierceness like no other. He was always good for a ride through the back of the farm with six grandchildren and two sons – in – law bumping around in the bed of his red truck – always red. When they were younger, his favorite trick was to scare them buy popping his false teeth out of his mouth at them. He was a good father and an excellent grandfather.

A favored Big Daddy story took place when all three of his girls were very young. Big Daddy was in the hospital after being critically injured in a construction accident. When the doctor told him he had a blood clot traveling to his lungs and he might not make it through the night, Big Daddy stopped him. He looked the doctor in the eye and said, “I’m NOT dying tonight.” The doctor was stunned and a little flustered. Big Daddy then pulled out his wallet, showed the doctor a picture of his three children, and said, “You know why I’m not dying? These three reasons” as he pointed at the picture.

Big Daddy’s family is grateful they have many more stories to tell so that the memory of the incredible man they knew can live forever. He lived a life surrounded by people who love him deeply.

“The LORD your God is in your midst,
He is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
He will quiet you with his love,
He will rejoice over you with singing.”
- Zephaniah 3:17

leaving on a jet plane; or how i almost missed my flight: a timeline

2008-11-20T12:12:00.003-05:00

10:00am wed - book a flight home
1:00pm wed - call AA to change flight, talk to nicest person ever who waves $150 fee
5:45pm - leave work
7:00pm - start packing
9:00pm - head to bed
wake up at 1:45am, 2:45am, 3:45am, and 4:45am
5:45am - alarm finally goes off
6:35am - pray on the way downstairs that i can find a cab -- He sends 4 just in case I miss one
7:00am - arrive LGA and get boarding pass - glance at it quickly, head to gate D5
7:10am - get to gate
7:15-8:00am - Wait wait wait read People listen to Beyonce wait annoyed
8:15am - why haven't we boarded yet? Flight in 15 mins
8:17am stop listening to Beyonce long enough to hear the plane at the gate where I'm sitting is going to MIAMI
8:18am annoyed at the miami plane - why can't they get their own gate?
8:20am glance at boarding pass and realize i'm AT THE WRONG GATE
8:20am wrong gate!!!!!! THEY'RE GOING TO LEAVE ME
8:20am hightail it to gate D3
8:21am gate attendant tells me they've been paging me. Paging me! I'm the girl who got paged! and if I hadn't listened to single ladies on repeat I might have heard my name on the LOUDSPEAKER!
8:22am board plane; everyone is staring at me
8:23am want to announce that am not late, actually very early. I blame Beyonce.
8:25am still can't find spot for bag - overhead compartments full. wait for flight attendant.
8:26am man behind me keeps giving me the "you're irresponsible" look
8:26am flight attendant's very nice, do they know why I'm going home or are they just nice?
8:27am find spot for bag
8:28am lug bag to overhead compartment... accidentally hit man with dirty look on head
8:28am want to tell him karma sucks, keep dirty looks to self but instead smile and apologize politely like a good southern girl
8:29am buckle up
8:30am plane takes off

.....WHEW!

Big Daddy

2008-11-19T14:38:00.005-05:00

my grandfather is dying. i don't know how else to put it to make it sound better or more poetic or flowery or nice, because it's true. he's dying.

he's been getting progressively worse for a few weeks and we're not sure why he's still here - he should be gone by now. last night the nurse asked my aunt if there was any child or grandchild he hadn't talked to yet, because there's a reason he's hanging on. and sherrie told her there was one (me) and the nurse told her i needed to talk to him.

so my mom called me this morning and told me she would call me when she got to his room. i had a couple of hours before then, so in true elizabeth fashion i wrote a post it note of all things i wanted to say to him. i mean, it could be - probably would be - the last time i talked to him this side of eternity.

what do you say to the man who has the most generous spirit of anyone you've ever known? how can you tell him he is a wonderful grandfather? that he raised three amazing children and six incredible grandchildren? that he's forgiven and i can't wait to see him again one day? that i'm sorry he will never meet my husband, or get to be a great-grandfather? that I love him?

when the phone rang i was prepared with my list in hand. i went to the bathroom (no use crying in front of everyone at work) and waited for my mom to put the phone to his ear. when i realized he was listening, all i said was, "i love you, big daddy." and i kept repeating it, because it was the only thing that would come out.

i think it's okay that i couldn't read my list - i know that he heard everything i was trying to say.

in the end, all that really matters is that we know we are loved.

***UPDATE 11/22/2008
My grandfather died on 11/20/2008. My family asked me to read this blog post at his graveside service. It was an honor.

into the maze...enter the medicine handed down

2008-11-18T12:57:00.001-05:00

yesterday, Anne mentioned her struggle with depression and it struck a chord with me.

i can talk about my depression but it's harder to write about it. i'm not sure why, but i feel more exposed this way i guess. and i prefer to not bare my soul in such a public forum.......................................but on the other hand, reading blogs -- blogs of Christians, even --of people who struggle with this helped me a lot when i first started taking meds. so, here i am, talking about my depression on my blog. um, where do i start?

looking back, i think i've struggled with depression since high school, but not to the extent i do now. and i combated it by staying busy. i don't think i slowed down from my freshman year of high school until i graduated college. i do know that for those 9 years i hated being alone, hated staying at home by myself, and if i didn't have any plans i made some.

but after college and China and teaching 8th grade and moving to New York, my life did slow down.

When I moved to New York, I didn't really have any friends and I didn't like my job and I wasn't involved in my church and I wasn't sleeping and life wasn't fun anymore. i went to the doctor for something seemingly unrelated, and when i told her all of this she put me on Zoloft. And i felt bad for taking it, like i wasn't praying hard enough or my relationship with God wasn't what it should have been and i probably didn't need meds. but one day in my blog readings i came across someone who struggled with depression and struggled with taking meds (can't remember whose blog it was now). and after reading the comments, i realized that if i had diabetes, i would take meds. if i had cancer, i would get help. there is something wrong with my brain, and it can be helped with medication. why wouldn't i take it?

i stayed on zoloft until april, when things miraculously got better - i made some friends, i quit my job, and life was fun again. i thought that it was just my circumstances making me miserable. but this past january i started feeling sluggish, sad, not sleeping, wanting to stay in my bed all the time....and i realized though my circumstances had completely changed, i still felt the same and at the same time i did the year before. that's when i realized i probably had seasonal affective disorder, and went back to the doctor. she confirmed my suspicions, and also did a blood test which showed that i have an extreme vitamin D deficiency, which probably plays a role in the SAD (ironic, yes?!)

in my research i found that SAD (haha) begins, for most people, when the time changes. so this year, i went ahead and got a prescription for meds last week and have officially been on them for 5 days.

one of the commenters at flowerdust said, "having faith doesn’t make it disappear but it does make it different…different enough to step up and admit it, deal with it, talk about it, share with others..."

in the past, my thinking was skewed - my relationship with God allows me to talk about things, to admit them, to tell my roommates and other friends. more than that, my faith allows me to accept my struggle and share it with you in hopes that somehow it can help you either understand depression a little better or maybe compel you to get help if you need it.

For You are my lamp, O LORD; And the LORD illumines my darkness

- 2 Samuel 22:29

middle level coordinator slash mom

2008-11-17T13:17:00.004-05:00

i haven't written a correspondence tuesday for my mom. i haven't forgotten about her, but the truth is, the way i feel about my mother is so hard to put into words that the thought of sitting down and writing about it is overwhelming.
mom and i are different but we definitely have our similarities. upon meeting her, many people will call me and say, "i met your mom the other day...now i understand you." what they don't know is that i wish i was half the person my mom is.
while i want to change the world and am willing to travel to far away places to do so, my mom wants to change the world by changing the people she sees right in front of her. and she doesn't do so by force, or by manipulation, or by coercion. she simply holds up a mirror so maybe you'll happen to catch a glimpse of the person she sees - and she always sees the best.

linda gilbert, an associate professor at MTSU (my alma mater) wrote an article about my mother and her friend/co-worker Elizabeth Church for today's Daily New Journal (my hometown newspaper).

having lived with my mom for twenty-something years, i can tell you this:
every word is true.
she is not a different person at home than she was in the classroom, and she is not a different person now that she works more with teachers than with students.

in the article, linda referrs to great teachers when she says, "...they began our dreams. Believed in us. Tugged, pushed, and led us to the next plateau of our lives..."

luckily, the same can be said about my mother, who happens to also be a great teacher --
she began my dreams.
she believed in me.
she tugged, pushed, and led me to the next plateau of my life.

single ladies SNL style

2008-11-16T23:06:00.004-05:00

living in new york city, i love movies and tv shows and songs about this city more than the average person...it's just neat to watch a movie and be able to point out the flaws (like when they try to pretend they're on the upper west when they're really in tribeca, etc) or remember why you love this city in the first place or hear a song that explains exactly how it feels to live here. it's a totally different feeling when you actually do live here.
on that note, i didn't really appreciate saturday night live until i moved to new york. i guess it's because i didn't understand the humor when i was younger - the pop culture and new york city references just didn't mean anything to me. and now i live with two avid fans of the show - one whom i'm convinced will actually be on SNL one day, and the other quotes it often. So I end up watching most episodes.

all that to say, this skit from last night's show is one of the funniest i've ever seen:

Justin Timberlake & Beyonce - Parodie "Single Ladies" SNL
Uploaded by Rock_You_Justin

observations while watching high school musical 3: senior year

2008-11-15T23:16:00.003-05:00

1. Am I sure I'm 27?
2. Zac Efron has incredible eyes
3. It's hard for me to look at cute little vanessa hudgens and not think of THOSE pictures. Shameful.
4. I wish my high school was a musical
5. I wish troy was my high school boyfriend
6. I really need to see HSM 1 and 2...maybe then I will figure out why whatsherface keeps referring to troy as "Wildcat"
7. Am I sure I'm 27?
8. Susan and I are the only adults in here with no kids. Do the parents think we're pervs? Nah, they prob think zac efron is as cute as we do but had the forethought to bring their kids as a decoy. Ah ha!
8. How do these kids know all the words to the songs already?
9.Zac Efron sure has a lot of armpit hair. Ew! Stop raising your arms up when you have your basketball jersey on!
10. What is with all the tea drinking?? The musiCAL (that's how she said it. I guess that's theatre speak for musical) teacher lady and composer girl and coreography boy all drink it. A lot. And I've seen at least two teapots!
11. These people act like prom = wedding. I sure hope my wedding is better than my high school prom!
12. I'm 27. And I liked High School Musical 3.

day 14...and i've got nothin'

2008-11-14T20:16:00.003-05:00

things i want to write about but can't get past the first two sentences:

- our trip to Africa. we leave in 6 weeks. What???
- the six shots i got for said trip to Africa -- five in one day! i'm hardcore.
- the gross new york weather and how it makes me feel (ugh)
- the amount of money i have spent on cabs lately because of the gross weather and how i also seem to be running late a lot these days

- the fact that i'm in my bed at 8:30 on friday night. i'm tired. obvi.
- my grandfather
- how excited i am that i have company coming next weekend
- the twilight movies (that's right, i said movies PLURAL!)
- how much i love my blackberry. her name is rose.

real post tomorrow instead of a lame list, which will require that i get out of bed and do something worth writing about. here's to hoping!

type A. but only sometimes.

2008-11-13T14:20:00.004-05:00

after reading this post on my friend jamie's blog, i started to type out a comment talking about how weird (read: crazy) i am about my email. but then the comment got too long to be a comment and i realized it should be a blog post instead!

so yeah, i'm super weird about my email. i have 3 personal email addresses and of course my work one. i like to keep my shopping stuff (target.com, amazon.com, etc.) separate so i have a shopping email account. i also have an account for "professional" stuff like when i decide to apply for random jobs or email congressmen and stuff. and then you know, my personal personal one, the one that's actually linked to my blackberry, the one i use on a regular basis. if you add all of them up, i have 4814 emails spread amongst my 3 accounts.

i am also a label fanatic...certain friends get their own label, but most else is in the 'friends' category. and most emails skip the inbox and go ahead and archive themselves automatically. i hate email in my inbox so everything has a label and a place. i clean it out about once a week, leaving the emails i need to reply to in my inbox so i'll remember to do it.

my work email is also organized like this, but i guess it makes more sense at work...right?

does anyone else do this?

we are family*

2008-11-12T18:24:00.006-05:00

at the end of october my dad came to visit and my mom and sister came up last weekend...here are some pics from both weekends with members of the fam:

dad!

walking around the city makes me sooo tired

my lovely sister and me

lion king!

love her.

* when i was younger my dad got me a sticker that said, "we are family" in reference to that sister sledge song. 3rd grader elizabeth just knew there was supposed to be an "a" in between "are" and "family." i mean, why was there no article? and THEN i didn't understand why my parents laughed at me when i took a crayon and wrote a giant blue "A" where it belonged. thus began my grammar police career, with exception of those pesky capital letters of course.

...it could always be worse...

2008-11-11T20:10:00.002-05:00

actual conversation via email with a good friend (aka GF) today:

GF: my mood is even worse today. i'm all grrrr, aaarrgh, and ugh (that means tiger, pirate, and teenage girl). anyway, hope you feeling good today.

ME: i've actually been forcing myself to have a good attitude. i keep telling myself it could be worse...it could be worse...etc....anyway, hang in there buddy. don't lose your grip.

GF:

i'm glad you're working and forcing the good attitude. and you're right it could be much worse.

in fact, let me give you a real life example of how it could be worse....

imagine you're kinda sad/upset/whatever and when you get like that you crave chocolate. so you're sitting at your desk eating...oh, i dunno, let's say you're eating some mini 3 musketeer bars. lunch time rolls around and you're craving the fatty goodness of Cracker Barrel. you hop in your car and head on out thinking of the greasy, gravy-covered, unhealthy that awaits.

just as you're getting out of your car, something catches your eye...something in the crotch area of your pants...oh, it's globs of chocolate that must have fallen into your lap and melted as you munched on your candy bars all morning. great. you feel the mild panic attack swelling as you think, "how long have those spots been there?! who at work has seen them?! did anyone notice?? if so, why didn't they say anything?? oh no...please don't let there be chocolate globs on my butt!!"

despite the fear and embarrassment that is overcoming you, your need for some lunchtime gravy increases to the point where it's overwhelming. so you hop out of your car and sneak into the bathroom to clean your pants and check the rear for any globs/stains. after quickly looking over the front, back, sides, and crotch areas (can't be too conspicuous cuz there's another fellow at the sink), you start calming down cuz it's not as noticeable as you feared. so you trot off to your table, at the back of the restaurant, walking by tons of people, relieved that the pseudodookie stains are gone.

after eating a delicious lunch, you head all the way back to the front of the restaurant to the register to check out. the line is long enough that you have to start thinking about the stain potential and make a quick run to the bathroom for a final check. as you're checking the rear of your pants again (this time more carefully cuz no one's in there with you) you see a large glob of smushed chocolate that you missed the first time around...not so much on the actual rear, but an inch or so down on one of the legs....and then you start to panic again. "omg - i walked past all those people - twice - with this blob on my pants! they've probably been laughing the whole time!! i can never come back here! oh yeah, and how many people noticed (probably none, but i'm in that state of mind) that i went to the bathroom before i was seated??!"

how embarrassing...

and if i was having a bad day before, i'm definitely laughing now...

grown up. when did that happen?

2008-11-10T11:39:00.001-05:00

at what point did you consider yourself a grown up?

- when you moved out of your parents house?
- when you got married?
- when you had children of your own?
- when you became completely financially independent?

i know people who are one or all of the above but are still some of the most immature not grown up people i know. i’m not married, don’t have children, and don’t know that i’ll ever be completely financially independent (not because i can’t support myself, but because my parents take great joy in helping me), but i think i started feeling grown up when i realized i was more concerned with the well being of my parents than i was the well being of myself.

the thing that sucks about caring about their emotional, physical, and spiritual health is the way it feels when they’re not doing well. then you begin to feel a little like a parent yourself when you realize you would do anything – anything – to help them, to take their pain away, to make it better.

if caring for my parents is this hard, i can’t imagine how it’s going to feel to have children.

annoying audience members

2008-11-09T20:55:00.006-05:00

my sister and mom have been here since friday, and that means lots of shopping and lots of talking and this time it meant seeing lion king and wintuk (the new york city cirque du soleil).
lion king was wonderful. my sweet friend alison got us fabulous tickets (having a good friend who's a concierge has its perks!)
wintuk was mom's Christmas present from my sister and me. She's a huge fan of all things cirque, and we knew she would enjoy seeing it here with us.
however, kathleen and i weren't as fascinated as she was. we were surrounded by annoying people and preferred making this list to actually watching the show [disclaimer: kathleen and i are self-admittedly more annoyed by annoying things than the average person. another disclaimer: when we talk about annoying kids, please know that i'm not talking to any of my mom friends. your children would never act this way - trust me. or if they did, you would rip them up by their hair and haul them home before you would allow them to repeatedly kick the seat in front of them or constantly scream IN MY EAR]
ahem, the list:

1. The "WOOOOOOO!" er - "oh, everyone's clapping! this means that i should revert back to my high school cheerleading days and let out a loud 'WOOOOOOOOO!'"
2. The Gum Chewer - aka the person right behind you who's smacking her gum so loud you [i] go all 8th grade teacher and want to turn around and ask her to spit it out in my hand.
3. The Perfume Bather - even worse when the offending perfume is Elizabeth Arden's Sunflowers.
4. The Annoying Kid - mentioned above in the disclaimer - the kid who is allowed to yell [IN MY EAR], jump up and down while holding onto the back of mom's chair. when he IS sitting in his chair, he's kicking the seat in front of him [to the point where my very patient mother had to ask him ever so nicely to stop kicking her chair]
5. The Informational Parent - thinks their child is blind and cannot see that the guy onstage is balancing on a big ball and finds it necessary to tell him every. single. detail. [bet you can guess whose parents they were]
6. The Sniffler - blow your nose already. or get rid of the mustache.
7. The Loud Talker - whispering was invented for a reason*
8. The Crackberry User - get. off. your. phone. your email can wait til intermission**
9. The Bird's Nest - i can't see over your hair, lady...or, as mom says, "1960 called and wants its beehive back."
10. The Shifter - the person in the front row who leans to her left, causing the guy behind her to lean to his right, so the guy behind him has to lean to his left...ripple effect that means the people in the back [aka US!] can't see. or the person who finds it necessary to sit on the edge of his/her seat so NO ONE can see.
11. The Late Comer - never fails, they always have seats #50 and 51 in a row of 100.
12. The Narrator - kind of like The Informational Parent, but instead of talking to their children they talk to whomever they're with. Can also be combined with The Loud Talker.
13. The Pee-er - apparently you have a bladder the size of a fingernail, because you have gone to the bathroom six times. and like The Late Comer, you're sitting in the middle of the aisle.

* I might be this annoying audience member at times.
** I am definitely this annoying audience member. I apologize in advance.

oh! hi....

2008-11-08T08:05:00.002-05:00

according to google analytics, the twilight lexicon sent 1019 people to my site (am i allowed to link to a site that's already linked to me? weird). ONE THOUSAND NINETEEN. 1019 is quite a large number.

So, if you're still here hoping for more or you just caught up on your twilight lexicon news blog reading...hi!

If you're new to my blog, I wanted you to know that I don't only write about [fictional] vampires.

More words that carry the hope:

I write about my friends a lot. Especially when their words or actions pierce my heart.
I write about music and other books (YES! OTHER BOOKS! WHO KNEW OTHER BOOKS EXISTED?!?!)
I write about Jesus and His Church.
I write about my life in New York City.
And I write about things I'm passionate about.

If you are new, I hope you'll stay a while. Who knows, maybe you'll learn something. I hope we both do. And old readers, all six of you (including my mom...hi mom!), thanks for sticking around.

2008-11-07T10:03:00.003-05:00

i probably don't tell the people around me that i believe in them. i consider myself blessed to have friends who are so talented, beautiful, and smart. i believe they are all changing their small piece the world in a big way.

to my friends [you know who you are]:

i believe in you.

i believe that you will make the world a better place for millions of children.

i believe that you will change the face of the Church (Isaiah 58).

i believe that you will create fashion that revolutionizes the world.

i believe that you will compel all of America to laugh.

i believe that you will use your skills to help create community.

i believe that you will tell your story and it will change perspectives.

i believe that you will find deep rooted joy.

i believe that you will earn a living doing what you love.

i believe that you will save lives.

i believe that you will love and be loved.

i believe that you will figure out where you belong.

i believe that you will have a great marriage.

i believe that you will raise amazing children.

i believe that you will get through the hardest year of your life.

i believe that you will because He is.

love,
elizabeth

escape!

2008-11-06T15:51:00.001-05:00

when i was in college i prided myself on being a non-TV watcher. i didn't get into Friends until the end, hated American Idol and thought Survivor was stupid. but i have progressed (or is it regressed?) since i graduated. one of my favorite things to do is watch entire seasons of various shows on DVD. when i lived in China i think i watched 3 seasons of 24 in a week (which explains why i haven't watched it since returning to the states...too impatient to wait a whole week).

i had high hopes for the fall TV season, but my schedule has since dwindled --

beginning of the season:
Sunday: True Blood, Brothers and Sisters
Monday: Gossip Girl, The Hills, How I Met Your Mother
Tuesday: The Cleaner, 90210
Wednesday: Lipstick Jungle
Thursday: Grey's, Ugly Betty (if i happen to catch it), and The Office

now:
Sunday: still watch True Blood (even though their accents are TERRIBLE!), but can Brothers and Sisters be any more whiny? it's getting on my nerves.
Monday: still watch Gossip Girl and How I Met Your Mother, but The Hills...ugh, Audrina, why do you make such terrible decisions? I want to punch her in the face the whole time which makes it hard for me to watch.
Tuesday: 90210 is boring, and my DVR hasn't been recording The Cleaner - not sure what's going on with that...anybody know? Anybody actually watch this show?
Wednesday: Lipstick Jungle moved to Friday, but i like it and still try to keep up
Thursday: totally over Grey's, don't make time to watch Ugly Betty and will catch up with The Office if I'm bored enough on the weekends, though I haven't been lately

What are you watching? Is there something I'm missing out on? Let me know!

a perfect brand new day...and we're the next in line

2008-11-05T18:42:00.005-05:00

i was woken up at 12:30 AM by people yelling and horns blowing on the street below my window. in my sleepy stupor i could only make out the words "Obama" and "President" and that's how i learned who won the presidential election. i loved it.
i said yesterday that i'm not writing about politics, and i'm still not going to...but these other people did, so i think you should check them out. don't worry, most of them aren't super political, they just worded their thoughts better than i can:

Brian talks about poverty vs. laziness. To him, "poverty has a face and a name."

Pete reminds us that "today is a new day...a new era." Let's (let US) join together and pray for our new leader.

Jennie from She Likes Purple puts it so well when she says, "I hope we all choose belief and faith over fear, and I hope we celebrate our differences instead of continuing to let them divide and define us."

Anne has five things we should do, since we shouldn't "rely on Obama to guide this country into the future."

and finally, Leah congratulates America on being "all growed up."

EDIT 11/6
TWO MORE:

This one by Heather B. made me cry.

So did this one...YES WE CAN.

happy election day! and happy birthday!

2008-11-04T13:57:00.004-05:00

i had a whole post written about exercising my right to vote (and also exercising my right to not tell you for whom i voted! and ALSO exercising my right to not discuss my reasons behind voting for him! YAY!) but i was bored writing it, so you would probably be bored reading it. so, to sum it up: i voted! it was awesome! i'm excited to hear the results! the next four years will be interesting either way!

anyway, today is election day, but also of importance: it's my friend elizabeth's birthday! (the other elizabeth. not me. it is not my birthday, and i would not refer to myself as "my friend." i mean, i like myself. but who writes a birthday blog for him or herself? weirdos for sure. so check back on january 3 for my birthday blog to myself!) Anyway, today is her birthday. i've mentioned her and her family once or twice...and i'm sure i have more to say about how incredible she is. however, time is short today, so i'll leave you with this:

happy birthday to one of my favorite people ever. hope it's your best year yet.

how i used my skills as a former groupie to stalk a vampire* [a timeline]:

2008-11-03T22:46:00.015-05:00

SUNDAY:
1:00PM received word that edward cullen (his real name is robert pattinson. i don't care. from now on his name is edward) would be at the Apple Store in Soho Monday night.
1:30PM moved Monday night Bible Study to the Starbucks beside the Apple Store. Obviously a coincidence.
1:45 convinced roommate Susan to join ("convinced" really is a strong word...all i had to say was edward cullen and she was totally in)
2:00-11:00 Spent rest of day in anticipation of seeing boyfriend on monday

MONDAY
10:30-3:00 too much work (sadly forgot about seeing boyfriend, as was extremely busy)
3:00 received word that the line formed at 11:00 this afternoon and they were only letting 80 people in
3:30 told Bible study girls to get in line
5:00 Bible study girls get to go in
6:15 leave work
6:20 get on wrong train
6:30 get on right train that goes wrong way
6:45 give up and take a cab. slowest cab driver ever.
7:00 arrive at apple store

my 'excited!' face

7:01-7:29 wait. we have come to the conclusion that we won't be getting in the store.
7:30 spend $4 on an apple and some sweet potato chips for dinner from dean & deluca, as is closest place to eat. need to get back to my standing spot
7:40 realize we are standing next to paparazzi. best chance for glimpse of edward

7:45 crowd gets bigger
7:46-7:59 take pictures to pass time:

we love edward cullen.

8:00 false alarm [someone screams "EDWARD" and girls come a runnin']
8:01 wonder if i've been transported back to 1964 and we're actually waiting for the beatles

8:05 false alarm, but this time i scream too and run across the street. yes, i'm embarrassed.
8:15 Catherine Hardwicke shows up. Stupid paparazzi run up to her yelling, "Stephenie! Please sign our books!" We inform them that she is NOT Stephenie. They are idiots.
8:20 the NYPD show up:
8:20-8:30 crowd continually getting yelled at by bodyguards to back up and get off the street
8:35 a black car pulls up
8:35 i scream and run across the street. again.
8:35 edward cullen gets out of the car. i try to take a picture and end up with this stellar shot:
9:00 on way home. make roommate susan cry when i show her what i've written in my journal about my future husband (because reading the twilight series will make you write about your future husband)
11:30 bed. and glad i got to see edward cullen. but mostly i'm just glad to live in a city as crazy as new york.

* yes, a vampire i said. i have trouble believing edward cullen's not real.

TUESDAY [AN EDIT]:

roommate susan sends me this picture. Now I know why my shot of Edward was so incredible:

i am awesome.

halloween pt.2 [or how to get two costumes out of one set of accessories]

2008-11-02T14:05:00.008-05:00

last night, micole asked rachel and me (read: her friend bailed and we were sort of forced) to go to a costume party with her co-workers:

devil with a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress...etc

gayowulf

cruella de vil

entertaining ourselves on the way home:

you don't even want to know...

tomorrow, maybe a real post instead of all the pics!

Halloween!

2008-11-01T14:53:00.013-05:00

in most places, halloween seems to be the day scandalously clad girls roam the streets without a second glance. but in new york, it's all about the creativity, and the scandalously clad girls are usually scandalously clad...well, boys:

or sometimes it's girls dressed up like boys:

bleeker and juno (katie and rachel)

your conscience: (the "creative" part of this costume is that we came up with hannah's at the last minute! see? creative!)

cleopatra (she made her entire costume...so talented!):
some more:

gymnast danielle, who, incidentally, already owned her entire costume...and she's not a gymnast

**all photos were taken by either hannah or rachel...hop over to their blogs to see more (i assume they'll eventually post some).

tonight i think mic and i are headed to a costume party, so maybe more pictures tomorrow!

NaBloPoMo...huh?

2008-10-31T14:28:00.006-05:00

So this year I've decided to particiapte in NaBloPoMo...kind of like NaNoWriMo but for blogs.

Basically, you're just going to hear from me every day for a whole month. Who's excited? ;)

It starts tomorrow, so until then, here's a picture of the tail i'm going to be wearing tonight:

please note the paradox of the 'love' tattoo and the devil tail.

it's the small things

2008-10-09T16:49:00.014-05:00

"There's a kind of peace in tiny moments like this,

you know, a quiet happiness that's inexplicable

unless you know what you're looking for."

Both Holly @ Nothing but Bonfires (quoted above) and Jennie @ She Likes Purple wrote posts based on this – the little things in life that make you happy. I mentioned this briefly the other day and the concept has remained in the back of my mind...it might be the big moments that you remember as the best days of your life, but joy comes from the little moments, in the monotony that is life and if we blink we will miss them. they both wrote eloquently in paragraph form but i’m much better at lists:

1. eating lunch outside – in high school we sat on the sidewalks, in college we moved up to tables outside of restaurants, and here i head to bryant park when i can. there’s something to be said about drinking diet coke with my eyes closed and feeling the sun beating down on my [sunscreened] face. it’s a moment of peace, where my phone is on silent and i’m not attached to a computer so i can simply just be.

2. the morning commute - walking through the subway station in times square and God of This City comes on my iPod and i actually LOOK at the faces of the people around me [you’re the God of this city; You’re the King of these people] in wonder and awe that God knows and loves each and every one of them….and just as i burst forth onto the streets the chorus swells [greater things have yet to come, greater things are still to be done in this city] and i get teary -eyed and overwhelmed with love for my Savior and love for this city.

(photo of times square by brett gullborg; ironically, i don't have any photos of times square)

3. quality time with any combination of roommates – when you live with 4 girls it’s both rare to have time with only one or time with all five. i intentionally try to spend time with each of them and cultivate a friendship that is one-on-one. also, on the rare occasion that all five of us are home, i walk away from the conversations feeling refreshed and encouraged.

before our impromptu trip to jersey--target + p.f. changs = bliss

4. airports and airplanes – i love the anticipation of sitting in the airport, knowing you’re going somewhere different even if only for a few days. i love that airplanes have been such a constant in my life for the last 4 years. i love sitting on the plane and having those 2, 3, 4 (sometimes more!) uninterrupted hours where i can listen to music and pour my heart out on paper. i love landing safely and knowing it’s only going to a few minutes until i get to see someone i know and love.

this is what i do on planes: write, listen, and take photos when i get bored

6. dinner with old friends – sitting across from people who have known me forever, people who have watched me grow up and become. listening to their stories and realizing that the very core of us never changes [and in most cases that’s a good thing]. knowing that after all these years i can still trust them. loving them for who they were and for who they are, and knowing they feel the same about me. belly laughing with them at things only we understand. realizing that we are all so different that if we met now we probably wouldn’t become friends, but grateful for the circumstances that brought us together so many years ago.

7. surprises – i get this from my dad – he loves to surprise people. he shows his love by giving gifts, especially to my sister and me, and he will go to great lengths to find the best gift he can to surprise us – one day i’ll write about the car i got when i was 14! this past weekend my sister and i gave our dad the best surprise ever. we conspired to fly me down for his birthday, and when she took him out to eat i showed up at the restaurant. the look on his face when i walked in and he realized what we’d done is one i will never forget! the trip only lasted two days, but knowing we made my dad feel loved and important is something that will last forever.

birthday dinner!

9. porches – i grew up spending Sundays at my grandparents’ house on their farm. after dinner all of the adults escaped to the porch to sit in rocking chairs and continue their conversation. they always seems relaxed and young and carefree, a contrast to the busy weeks they all had. to this day, porches are one of my favorite things ever. drinking a cup of coffee on the porch in the morning with nothing but my Bible, a journal, and a pen, or in the evening equipped with good friends and great conversation (and bug spray), sitting on the porch is just good for my heart.

10. getting mail (not bills but the fun kind) - there's nothing quite like getting home after my 45 minute commute and wearily walking up the stairs, through the door, and into the kitchen and seeing a letter or card or package addressed to me! knowing that someone took the time to write something or put a package together, address it, and go to the post office or mailbox so that i can have something tangible to read or enjoy makes me happy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

this quote hung on my wall during college and now is taped to my shelves at work:

"How simple is it to see

that we can only be happy now,

and that there will never be a time

when it is not now."

- Gerald Jampolsky

So, all three commenters of mine - what little things make you happy?

sing out, sing out...your voice is all you have

2008-10-03T15:36:00.005-05:00

can't! stop! listening! to! volume III
[volume I]
[volume II]

some recent faves, and as always, the lyrics that I love and/or my own thoughts for your reading pleasure:

return, needtobreathe *
["I’m giving you my heart to break again; Oh I’m leaving you a way to get back in...return to me"]
(this song reminds me of a true love story, a story of loss and redemption that only God could have written. oh, and, of course it reminds me of edward and bella, specifically in new moon (book 2) of the twilight saga. what's that you say? you're wondering when i'm going to stop talking about twilight? answer: not any time soon)

gotta find you, joe jonas
[i blame my good friend leslie for this one - but it's truly a good song. so what if it's on the camp rock CD?]

the resolution, jack's mannequin
[ "There's a lot that I don't know, there's a lot that I'm still learning..."]
(this is on jack's new CD...and i'm not so sure about the rest of it. maybe it'll grow on me? i love them so much and i really want to love their new CD...)

rest, nevertheless *
["hey, I know that you're scared/ to look in My eyes/ when you know that something's wrong/ I'll wait as long as it takes/ for you to find grace/ that's been here all along"]
and also, augustine:
["love is an ocean/ caught in a storm/ breaking down walls/ and taking its form/ the
farthest from safety/ but the closest I've come/ as we come undone..."]

currents, dashboard confessional
["the air is visceral around us/ turning in its simple steps/ on slow currents/ and I watch as it pirouettes and spins in slow motion/ a long drag comes/ a slow dance/ in a halo of ember"]
(pretty sure i just like the word "visceral")

God of this city, chris tomlin
[where do i even begin with this song...God uses this song to break my heart for new york city time and time again. chris tomlin didn't write it (though he sings it well), bluetree did, and the story behind the song can be found here]

sorrow, flyleaf
["familiar breath of my old lies changed the color in my eyes...soon He will perforate the fabric of the peaceful by and by"]
(another edward and bella song, but more importantly, a beautiful reference to Psalm 30:5)

walk you home, karmina
["even the brave may depend on someone/ the moon only shines with the help of the sun/ it's not as safe when you're walking alone/ i'll walk you home"]

divine romance, phil wickham *
[from his newest (FREE) album singalong...so good! you can download it from his website]

disturbia, rihanna
[one of those fun songs you can't get out of your head!]

* get the whole album...you can thank me later :)

great moments

2008-09-29T16:06:00.006-05:00

"We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware - beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."

- Kent Nerburn

(via Dooce)

that girl.

2008-09-25T16:54:00.003-05:00

so, this guy wrote a post that inspired me. check it out, then come back and read mine :)

i constantly underestimate the power of Jesus.
i love the words ‘authentic’ and ‘real’ yet hole myself up in my room to avoid conversation– esp. when things need to be talked about.
i only post the good pictures of myself, and de-teg any with a double chin.
i have serious writers block when i have unresolved Heart Issues, though i would have you believe it’s because i’m so busy.
i am jealous of everyone else. probably even you.
i want to be unique.
i want to fit in.
i am super critical when i don’t understand or don’t agree.
i think my worldview is the ‘best’ or ‘right’ one.
i have a difficult time being fully present – i spend a lot of time in my future, and even more in my past.
i do a lot of things based on what i think others’ perceptions are of me.
i compare myself to everyone. probably even you.
i am too quick to judge.
i love to talk about myself.

but.

i am learning that you can’t follow Someone if you can’t trust them. and you can’t trust Someone if you don’t believe they love you.

God loves me.

i really, really want to believe Him, to trust Him, to follow Him.

the Church

2008-09-07T18:26:00.004-05:00

i'm a big fan of the Church (please note the capital "C"). Being part of a church plant in new york city is not always easy, especially coming from a 2,000+ member church in Tennessee. the Church is not a place, not a building, but it is a people. it is a community. the best way to build community is to serve beside one another.

this morning i had the opportunity to serve on the host team. one staff member and i made a grocery store run and bought ice and coffee creamer. following the morning service, i helped tear down the greeting area and wheeled one of the bins outside to load into the truck with the help of our associate pastor. after that, along with our pastor, i pitched in to help with the children's area, packing gym mats and boppy pillows and other multicolored objects.

one of the best parts of being part of a church plant is realizing that i am the Church. another one of the best parts is that our staff realizes that they, too, are the Church. they are leading well by helping in any way they can, even if that means getting their hands dirty. true leadership is not expecting volunteers to do anything you wouldn't do yourself.

Church staff and pastors: people are watching. lead well.

shadow feet*

2008-09-05T12:16:00.011-05:00

Dear Jesus,

Walking, stumbling
on these shadowfeet
toward home, a land that i've never seen
i am changing: less and less asleep
made of different stuff than when i began

four years ago we left for China, and one year ago i wrote about how my life has changed since then. this past year has perhaps been one of the most difficult. some days i think i have it all together but some days it's all i can do to hang on to anything. but after this year, i believe even more that You have it all together, that You have my life together, and i'm trying to learn how to simply rest in You.

and i have sensed it all along
fast approaching is the day...

You are continually refining me and renewing my spirit. You are showing me more about myself than i wanted to know, but in doing so you are showing me more about Yourself, and who i am in You. You are healing me from the depths of my soul. You are asking me to reveal parts of myself that i never wanted to face, much less share with other people. You are teaching me to live out loud, to be authentic, to be the same on the outside as i am on the inside. and at the same time, You are teaching me that Your opinion is the only One who matters, that what You think of me is the most important.

when the world has fallen out
from under me
i'll be found in you
still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
i'll be found in you

there have been times that i have wanted to give up, throw it all away, to walk right back over to that pit and jump in. but i can't.

There's distraction buzzing in my head
saying in the shadows it's easier to stay
but i've heard rumors of true reality
whispers of a well-lit way

i can't, i won't, because the life You've created for me is better than i could have ever written for myself. you have changed me irreversibly. i committed to follow you whatever it took, and i would be lying if i said it was not a sacrifice. i have sacrificed the very things i thought i never could, and i'm still standing. everything that i clung to is slowly being removed, changed, reshaped. and the sacrifice doesn't seem like a sacrifice compared to knowing You love me. i know that when we get to the other side of all of this, that even if i have nothing left, i will still have You. and You are all that i need.

when the world has fallen out from under me
i'll be found in you
still standing
when the sky rolls up and mountains fall on their knees
when time and space are through
i'll be found in you

recently You've reconciled some things in my life that needed reconciling, and for that i'm grateful. You're bringing me full circle. You're teaching me to forgive myself and forgive others. You're teaching me how to talk to people and how to really listen. You are teaching me how to feel appropriate emotions and instead of allowing me to continue to build up walls You are knocking them down one brick at a time. You have placed trustworthy people in my life who will hold up a mirror and show me the repercussions of my actions.

you make all things new.

It's still an adventure, Jesus...and I will follow you with reckless abandon.

love,

elizabeth

* by brooke fraser

correspondence tuesday [seventeen]

2008-08-28T08:36:00.006-05:00

yes, i know i skipped last week, and yes, i know this is 2 days late...it's been an interesting 2 weeks to say the least. i've been asking and answering questions that i wasn't prepared to ask or answer. it's been a time where i've had to literally sit down and write what i know to be true, and go from there. pete says it well here...it's part of life...and i would rather ask questions than not have any. with that said, here's correspondence tuesday for this week.

when i met you i thought you were so cool and i was determined to be your friend. i was going through a 'phase' that has apparently lasted the past 8 years, because after a lifetime of trying to be 'normal' (whatever that means) i was finally embracing the parts of me that were different. and now, i guess, the different is just as much a part of me as the normal. my different is now normal, and you helped shape that. i was intrigued by weird hair, edgy clothes, music no one had ever heard of, art…a world that was not my own. i wanted to make that world my own, though, and in my 20 year old brain that meant hanging out with your family. and you let me. you welcomed me into the folds of your lives like i belonged there, and i can't imagine a time when i didn't. [interjection: i realize while i'm writing this that you are prob. the only ones in the world that will even begin to truly understand what i mean, and that's the beauty of it].

i've seen you through 2 additions to your family, deaths, a college graduation (finally!), friendships both old/new and lost/restored, something like 5 pets (probably more), 3 moves, 1 house purchase, hairstyle changes, job changes, marriage changes, life changes….the list goes on and on.
you've watched me grow up and become independent, you've seen me become…well, me. you've stood beside me, walked behind me, listened, talked, called me out, encouraged. you've shown up for the important parts of my life from college graduation to my re-entrance into America from my Chinese adventure. You've cried when I left and rejoiced upon my return. You've participated in my ventures and believed in me.

this weekend is part of those changes that i've been anticipating. you are currently packing up the last of your worldly possessions that you didn't sell and soon they will be loaded into a u-haul and you'll leave tennessee behind. my hope is that you will leave a lot behind, actually, because not all of the past ten years is necessary to pack - i say we leave that baggage, okay? and you're headed toward something, instead of running away from anything. it's something different and soon the different will become your new normal. and the people in texas won't know your stories and your pasts and where you came from to get to this point, and that's partly a good thing because your past doesn't have to be your platform and you can choose what you share. but secretly, i'm glad i know everything - and i mean everything, because you have all trusted me with the depths of you - because within your family is a story of redemption, of being lost and being found, of something beautiful growing from ashes. and i see it and i'm so proud to say i was - i am - part of it. part of you.

tomorrow i will fly down south, jump in a u-haul with you, and ride 12 hours to texas with no CD player and a radio that may or may not work. it might just be the most uninterrupted time i've spent with you and i don't take that lightly. the beautiful thing about it is that several people are responsible for funding this adventure - i haven't had to pay a dime. 4 of the people closest to me knew how important it was that i make this transition with you, and have paid for my flight, my transportation to and from the airport, and my food. and i guess that's God's way of affirming that i'm a member of the family, and where you go i will go too. and that transition, though rough, doesn't mean the end of anything, just a beginning.

love
elizabeth

He's still my healer.

2008-08-20T13:30:00.004-05:00

Remember when I wrote this?

Well, I just found out that apparently, the story behind the Healer song isn't true.

For a moment I was thrown for a loop - but then I remembered that I do know Truth:

God is still my healer.
God is STILL all that I need.
He STILL holds all of my moments.
And STILL, nothing is impossible for Him.

Just because the story isn't true doesn't mean the lyrics aren't.

There's a good discussion going on over here.

correspondence wednesday (cont'd)...

2008-08-13T14:08:00.009-05:00

...which, like i said, doesn't exactly exist on my blog. but i wanted to follow up:

dear old navy,

i was right!

thank you todd oldham,

elizabeth

------------------------------------------------

dear stephenie meyer's publishers,

thank you. it ended so well. please pay stephenie meyer lots of money to keep writing about these people [ahem, werewolves and vampires] - i miss them already.

bella and edward forever,

elizabeth

------------------------------------------------

dear ethiopia,

140 days.

still [and only] because of Jesus,

elizabeth

-------------------------------------------------

dear jersey shore,

you were just what i needed. thank you for the perfect weather, for the perfect sunrise, for the perfect vacation.

made for the beach,

elizabeth

-------------------------------------------------

dear best friend,

adventures with you are always more fun. here's to pottery painting, miniature golfing, fashion showing, beach reading, alarm clock beeping, ocean beatings, Jesus acting, and sunrise watching. there's no one else like you.

love,

elizabeth

correspondence tuesday [sixteen]

2008-08-12T12:33:00.003-05:00

when you were born i thought that mom and dad had you just for me…mom was the surrogate but you were really my child. i supposedly wasn’t so keen on the idea that other people wanted to hold you – you were mine. and i’ve believed that ever since. he hurt you? i will kill him, you are mine. need help with homework? no problem, since you are mine. college scheduling got you confused? i’ll take care of it; after all, you’re mine. need some money? of course – you are mine. some would call me possessive. i call it fiercely protective.

we never had any “sibling rivalry.” i don’t even know what that means. i genuinely wanted more for you than i wanted for myself, though mom and dad tried (still try) their best to make everything even. if dad said no, you asked mom. if mom said no, you asked me. i usually said yes. i realize that this getting everything you wanted thing was probably not the best for your growth as an independent adult, but if i could just let you hold on to childhood a little longer, to not have responsibilities, to not understand what living in the real world meant, then i would have done my job. some would call me an enabler. i call it supportive.

the past year i have gotten to know you as a person instead of my little sister. when i describe you to other people, the only way i can try to explain is by saying, “we are so alike, but we are so different.” like me, you are a good conversationalist. like me, you are a true and loyal friend. like me, you love deeply. and like you, i have great style (you definitely had it first, mine was a long time coming!) but while we are the same in so many things, we approach life differently. you possess many character traits that i didn’t teach you. so many thoughts and opinions that i don’t agree with. and though i love most of your clothes, there are a few pieces i wouldn’t be caught dead wearing (and i know the feeling is mutual!)

you will be 25 years old in 4 days. i know that 25 is scary – and you’ve mentioned how unexcited you are about this age – but trust me, 25 is a good year. life just gets better the older i get, and i hope the same is true for you. i love to spend time with you more than anyone in the world – you just get me like no one else ever has. i’m so proud of who you’re becoming. and i’m excited to watch you as you grow (without my help) into a strong and beautiful woman.

happy birthday, little sister.

love,
elizabeth

i cannot live without books (thomas jefferson).

2008-08-10T22:52:00.006-05:00

books on my "bedside table" (aka my windowsill) from left to right:
the way to love by anthony demillo
what the spirit is saying to the Churches by henry blackaby
52 ways to help you and your small group grow by dave early and rod dempsey
bird by bird by anne lammott
everything belongs by richard rohr
rockabye: from wild to child by rebecca woolf
the message remix by eugene peterson
reaching out by henri nouwen
believing God, breaking free, and david: 90 days with a heart like His by beth moore

books i just returned to the bookshelf after i cleaned off my windowsill yesterday:
twilight , eclipse, and breaking dawn (three-fourths of the twilight saga) by stephenie meyer
the reason for God by tim keller
blue like jazz by donald miller

books in my purse:
ESV thinline compact Bible
crazy love by francis chan

what are you reading?

merry everyday.

2008-08-07T13:10:00.007-05:00

Commentary: Our tragedy and God's love for orphans by Steven Curtis Chapman

FRANKLIN, Tennessee (CNN) -- According to UNICEF, there are 143 million children in the world who have lost one or both parents.

In America alone, there are half a million children in foster care, and approximately 120,000 of these children are waiting to be adopted. In many countries, children are too often orphaned or abandoned because of poverty, disabilities and disease; every 15 seconds, a child loses a parent because of AIDS. These are staggering facts that can seem overwhelming and discouraging, but I believe that God has a loving plan for each child, and that plan is you and me.

Caring for these children is not the job of governments or institutions; instead, it is the job of families, people and communities. As Christians, our compassion is simply a response to the love that God has already shown us. Mother Teresa would constantly remind those who worked with her that the Bible clearly teaches that whatever we do for the least of these, we do for Jesus. So in a very real sense, caring for orphans is a chance to meet the person of Jesus in "the guise of human suffering." This is an invitation from the heart of God to know him and to experience his love.

read the rest...

the part that struck me is this:

"If only 7 percent of the 2 billion Christians in the world would care for a single orphan in distress, there would effectively be no more orphans. If everybody would be willing to simply do something to care for one of these precious treasures, I think we would be amazed by just how much we could change the world.

We can each do something, whether it is donating, adopting, fostering, mentoring, visiting orphans or supporting families that have taken in orphans. You can change the world for an orphan."

let's change the world for orphans.

if You would shine Your love down here...make our hearts as perfect as new...

2008-08-06T23:06:00.000-05:00

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life...

- a. cohen

back in early june i knew change was coming; it was this ominous cloud that hung over everything i did. i thought about it constantly - the what ifs and i don't knows and the this is the last time we'll get to [fill in the blank]. and now, i'm almost on the other side, the side where i get used to how different life looks when everything changes. and hopefully soon life as it is will seem "normal," whatever that means. and then, i'm sure, it will begin to change again.

i am a walking paradox - i love new people and new places and new experiences for myself, but when i'm done with all that and ready to rest and find some stability for a season i expect my world to look the same as it did before. it never does. and selfishly, i hope that the people in my life don't move or change. i'm the one who's 'supposed' to do the leaving. unfair, i know.

in the midst of change i find myself trying desperately to hold on to what i can while attempting not to control things. easier said than done, right?

one day maybe i will embrace change instead of resisting it. i don't want the constants in my life to be about location or circumstance, and instead be about maintaining relationships across the country or even across an ocean all the while enjoying the here and now . it's the balance that i have difficulty with.

since i moved to new york, i find myself saying "it's SUCH a small world" all the time. i meet someone on a plane with whom i attended college, and she becomes a good friend. my roommate and i are on the beach and end up in conversation with a couple who go to UT Knoxville, and last semester the girl lived next door to one of my favorite people. while i'm visiting tennessee, a friend and i are flipping through some of my photos and she recognizes a girl she went to middle school with. the girl she recognized? the wife of our worship leader. i get a positive comment on a recent blog post, and i realize that not only is he the pastor of my best friend's church, but the blog i wrote was based on a sermon he preached in the first place.

small world. funny stories. throughout all of this, God is quietly whispering (whispering, because you can't yell at fragile people, right?) that He is sovereign. that He orchestrated the entire world. that these strange "coincidences" aren't really coincidental, but perhaps a display of His originality in weaving my life together. and that when He looks at me, He wants to see His reflection, so all of this is part of refinement. but most of all, i am reminded that though everything else changes, He never does. when my world is spinning and changing, He remains steadfast.

...if You would shine Your love down here...i promise i'd reflect it right back at You
- Copeland, When Finally Set Free

no correspondence tuesday this week...

2008-08-05T17:04:00.002-05:00

...because i've been reading this:

i've been so caught up in my fictional friends that i haven't taken the time to write about my real life friends. corr. tues will resume next week!
but tomorrow, a blog about transitions and changes and how selfish i am...i know you're looking forward to it!

healer.

2008-07-30T16:53:00.001-05:00

a couple of weeks ago my friend ellie told me about this song by hillsong that i needed to listen to. i'm a big hillsong fan; they're my go-to band (are they a band? the whole hillsong thing kinda confuses me) when i'm in the mood for some good worship songs. i mean, it's impossible to not love lyrics like "i'm believing, trusting in creative Hands" and, "everlasting, Your light will shine when all else fades...never ending, Your glory goes beyond all fame" and "I called You answered, and You came to my rescue..." and "arrested by your truth and righteousness, your grace has overwhelmed my brokenness"(from Devotion, From the Inside Out, Came to My Rescue, and To Know Your Name, respectively).

the new song, which will be on their new CD This is Our God, is called Healer. it's a good one.

The story behind the song can be found here.

The lyrics of the song bring me back to a conversation i had last week with my best friend. she and i talked about how we're all broken and in need of healing. this isn't a new concept, i've written about it before and it's certainly been the topic of many a conversation. but she brought up a point that had never crossed my mind. she said that we know God can heal our wounds and turn them into scars, but why aren't we asking God to heal our scars? better yet, why aren't we sure He can?

we interact with people according to our wounds (past hurts we've not healed from yet) and scars (past hurts we're healed from, but have left an evident mark on us). we choose our friends and those we surround ourselves with according to where we've been and the different types of pain we've experienced and endured. we make our pasts our platforms - our jumping off points. we talk about our pasts as if they are still part of us - and i know they are, but what if they don't have to be? what if we allow Him to remove our scars as well?

I'm beginning to believe that part of grace might be in forgetting. I believe that my past doesn't have to be my platform.

I want to give him my wounds and my scars and be completely healed. i no longer want "visible" reminders of where i've been, mistakes i've made, ways i've been wronged or hurt. i want God's grace to extend to that part of me too - the scarred part. i want to believe that it can extend to the depths of me and even beyond that.

though i'm not sure where i heard it, in high school one of my favorite quotes was "God can mend a broken heart, but you have to give Him all the pieces." i didn't really know what a broken heart looked like then (or at least not the way i do now), but maybe it's time for me to take it a step further and ask him to heal the cracks and fissures that remain in the aftermath of the brokenness.

correspondence tuesday [fifteen]

2008-07-29T11:26:00.004-05:00

His way is in whirlwind and storm,
and the clouds are the dust of his feet.

Nahum 1:3b

i read this yesterday morning and thought of you. of course, you've been on my mind a lot these days. when someone i love is going through a hard time, i want to do whatever i can to fix it, change it, make life better and easier. but if God has taught me anything, it's that i CAN'T FIX PEOPLE and especially that i can't change them. i'm learning that sometimes His way is in the whirlwinds and storms of life, that His best doesn't always mean sunshine and rainbows.

i wish you could see yourself the way i see you - the way we all see you. you are truly one of the most beautiful people i've ever met. i don't think you realize the impact you make by simply walking into a room. and on top of that, you are incredibly talented and smart. you never give yourself enough credit, you never want us to make a big deal out of you, and you are hesitant to take a compliment - not because you're prideful, but because you truly don't believe it. i hope that through all of this you begin to look at yourself differently and perhaps realize that you are enough.

so instead of fixing and changing, this is one of those letting go things that i'm getting better at. it's letting you talk if you want to, but if not i will sit beside you silently, hoping you know that i love you. it's crying with you because i see all of the good in you that you don't yet see. it's giving you your space to grieve this loss properly, because it is a loss and there's a process that you have to go through. but most importantly, it's encouraging you to cling to the One who is in the midst of the storm with you, the One who created the storm and can - will - calm it.

there is an edward out there for your bella, except your edward is better than the fictional character we love so much. your edward will love you because of the Jesus he sees when he looks at you. when the time is right, he will love you the right way - the way you deserve to be loved. and you will love again.

correspondence tuesday [fourteen]

2008-07-17T12:44:00.004-05:00

correspondence wednesday?

2008-07-16T14:23:00.004-05:00

ok, there's no such thing as correspondence wednesday, not on this blog at least. but it was the most clever thing i could come up with. without further ado (side note - what does ado mean? is that a word?):

dear old navy,
did you happen to fire every single one of your designers and hire some new, awesome ones? i don't think i've shopped at you (with the exception adding to my extensive collection of wife beaters) in several years. but now, old navy, how i love thee. i want everything in your herald square store. since i'm going to the beach this weekend i'm finding it difficult to spend too much money these days, but you and i? have a date next week.

inexpensive fashion rocks,
elizabeth

------------------------------------------------

dear stephenie meyer's publishers,
i don't think i can wait 2 weeks to read breaking dawn. could you just answer a few questions for me? i promise i'll still read the book. will bella become a vampire? will she choose edward? if so, will jacob find his soulmate? jacob DESERVES a soulmate. will it make me CRY MYSELF TO SLEEP like eclipse did? oh, the suspense....don't know if i can take it.

can't wait for august 2nd,
elizabeth

-------------------------------------------------

dear ethiopia,
i can't wait to meet you.

because of Jesus,
elizabeth

-------------------------------------------------

dear jersey shore,
i hear you calling my name. after one more day of work, i will be lounging on your warm sand (in a chair, with an umbrella, covered in sunscreen because at 27 i'm finally concerned about wrinkles and skin cancer). i'll bring the cute summer dresses and flip flops if you promise to provide me with three days of beautiful weather.

soon,
elizabeth

--------------------------------------------------

dear best friend,
it's almost annual vacay time! and i can't WAIT to see you!

love,
elizabeth

correspondence tuesday [thirteen]

2008-07-15T12:36:00.005-05:00

for the past couple of years, I've tried to set aside time on tuesdays to write letters or send packages to the important people in my life who don't live near me. i decided to bring it to the blog and write to an anonymous [important] person each tuesday. this is the thirteenth edition - enjoy!

while twelve isn’t really a big number, twelve years sure is a long time. It’s almost half my life, really, and that’s pretty strange. Three years from now it WILL be half my life that I’ve known you, and in four years I will have known you longer than I have not known you.

you and I met at a summer camp at the weird, awkward age of 15. I’m pretty sure you were singing some song about peeing in the pool, and I’m also pretty sure I thought that was hilarious. everyone has his or her own summer camp "romance" stories, but I felt like – and still feel like – ours was different. there is an invisible Hand that has tied us together throughout the years, and even when we’ve tried to sever that tie (and let’s be honest, there have been a couple of times) we couldn’t.

we met right after our freshman year in high school, and I would still say that year was the hardest year of my life – with the second hardest year being the one when i moved to new york city and was alone for the first time. in such instances, our Creator provides guideposts for us…people we meet along the way to swim beside us.and as only One who knows best can do, He provided you for me and me for you. after camp (all 4 days of it – which is so funny to me now, because I was ‘in love’ after 4 days?) we talked on the phone for hours and hours and wrote letters – LETTERS – to each other (which, in retrospect, were hard to read because YOU HAVE HORRIBLE HANDWRITING). i don’t even remember what we talked about – 15, and then 16, and even 17 year old stuff I imagine. i believe that your words and strength carried me through the turmoil that was high school.

fast forward to 2003 when you met the woman who is now your wife – the one who saved your life in both literal and metaphorical ways. i love that it was so important to you that i meet her – as if you knew what was ahead. just don’t forget that she and i make a great team in tough situations, and that's all i'm gonna say about that. and good thing she's awesome, because i get to love her too, and the "you" is now plural.

and now...now, we're wading through everything life throws at us. we haven't lived in the same city for years but we've managed to remain close. if it's important to you (plural), it's important to me, and i know it's mutual. and let's not forget that baby, the one i have yet to meet, the one who has my name as her middle name on her birth certificate. you know you're growing up when your friends start having babies, and you know they think really highly of you when they name their babies after you. it's an honor, one i don't take lightly.

i'm thankful that my 15-year-old version of "romance" turned into something much deeper and more meaningful than we could know at the time. but mostly, i'm thankful for the One who knew that sometimes you just need people to swim with who have been there since diving in.

even if they do pee in the pool.

love,
elizabeth

make a list monday!

2008-07-14T18:58:00.005-05:00

my sweet friend ashley decided to make every monday 'make a list monday,' so today i joined her.

my particular brand of crazy:

the clothes in my closet are color-coordinated. the biggest section is black. back when I had my own [walk in] closet they were coordinated by sleeve length, but not anymore. the clothes all face the same way. also, if I don't have time to put my clothes away correctly, they stay in the basket. so I guess we can call that selective OCD. I also fold my underwear, but that is due to lack of space.
I am extremely brand loyal when it comes to products. I don't try new deodorant, lotion, toothpaste, shampoo & conditioner, etc very often. unless my favorite brand makes a new kind (like Dove's new Cream Oil body wash!), then I stick with what works.
I send about 3000 text messages a month. I don't really know how this makes me crazy, but most people are astonished by that number. the look on their faces when I tell them (because I get asked that a lot for some reason) = elizabeth is crazy.
I can't go to bed without checking my email. at least twice. and in order to sleep I need earplugs, an eye mask, chapstick, and water. but only in new york – I can sleep without these things other places.
I use hand sanitizer at work compulsively. like every thirty minutes. my fave co-worker makes fun of me for it, but I catch her using it every so often.
I often meet people on planes. I met a girl on a plane on the way to TN for Christmas in 2006 and she is now one of my favorite new york friends. she and I went to college together and were both in sororities but never met. another lady I met had just lost her husband and was trying to figure out what life looked like without him. pretty sure I cried with her. and then mailed her a book a few weeks later. and the last time I flew back to new york from TN I met a fun couple and I think I'm going to hang out with them at the end of the month.
I hate routine and monotony but I need it. for the most part I would consider myself spontaneous but can let myself get carried away. if this happens, and i start feeling like life is out of control, I try to be still and breathe for a while (see: this past weekend). however, when i feel too restricted i'm certain to remedy that sitch by hopping on a plane, or something of the sort.
i'm hot [temperature wise] most of the time. i could sleep with the AC on in the winter if my roommate would let me. the only time i'm cold is at work, and for some dumb reason they keep it about 60 degrees in there.
i eat hummus more than the average hummus-eating person. and i like to make chicken and cheese quesadillas and dip them in it. that might be more gross than crazy.
i don't know if this qualifies, but lately i've been addicted to all things vampire . if you haven't read it, please do yourself a favor and go buy it. it like $8 at target. and you will love it, i promise. right?

classic [escapism]

2008-07-12T23:01:00.004-05:00

tonight, i am feeling:
antisocial
broken [, but]
hopeful
disoriented [, because of]
[the kind of] exhausted [exhaustion] [that begins in my heart, spreads through my veins, radiates and spills over onto everything i touch]
sad [, a little, yet]
edgy [location - wise, i just want to jump off]

i want to be:
enchanting
creative
moved

good weekend.

2008-07-08T21:18:00.007-05:00

more.

merry everyday 08!

2008-07-03T08:52:00.004-05:00

we're Ethiopia bound...go read about it!

all my history...

2008-07-02T14:15:00.003-05:00

everyone's on vacay at work...so due to my lack of things to do, i've moved everything from my 2 livejournals (2002-2004), my xanga (2005), and my phusebox (2006) to this blog (whew!)

reading throught the past 5 or 6 years of my life has been kinda weird...kinda painful. i definitely left some of it out, esp the earlier stuff.

anyway, if you read this via feed, sorry if it shows up...it shouldn't, but it may slip through the cracks!

happy wednesday...

correspondence tuesday [twelve]

2008-06-30T13:48:00.006-05:00

for the past couple of years, I've tried to set aside time on tuesdays to write letters or send packages to the important people in my life who don't live near me. i decided to bring it to the blog and write to an anonymous [important] person each tuesday. this is the twelfth edition - enjoy!

in the summer of 2000 i wanted to work at a camp, and the one where i got a job was in PA. so you took about a week off of work and decided to drive me up there, with the intention of spending time together and stopping at various places along the way.
i wish i had written everything down. i wish i kept a journal then like i do now. but it remains one of my favorite times with you, and i’m so glad we took that trip.
there was the long car ride, where I enjoyed talking to you so much i didn’t want to sleep. i had a lil gray pillow should i decide to do so, but we talked and talked and talked about life and love and everything else. i had just finished my freshman year of college and discovered i really didn’t know much of anything about life. you had just been through a rough time in your own life, and now i realize you were probably thinking the same thing about yourself. nonetheless, we had probably our first conversation as friends instead of parent and child.
we had no agenda. no expectations. this is how, instead of heading to the Hershey museum once we got to PA, we decided to hit up the theme park instead. i love that about you, your spontaneity. probably where i get it.
and then we got to spend a few days in new york city. i didn’t know that it would change the course of my life as i knew it, that i would fall irrevocably in love with this city and all that it embodied. i didn’t know that regular people like us could see shows on Broadway, but of course you had done your research, and surprisingly i won lottery tickets to RENT on the first try. and every morning you would head down to the bakery across the street and get us breakfast and have it waiting for me when i woke up. you have always been an early riser, and i can be a late sleeper, and i can’t imagine waiting as patiently as you did for me to get up and get going so we could explore. so you could show me the magic of new york.
and another memory, one that isn’t so happy. though i have now reconciled it in my heart, it took a while for me to stop feeling guilty.
we were walking down the street, and i was hungry, and 19, and i picked a fight with you, and in the typical teenage fashion, i whirled around and walked off.
i don’t even remember why i was mad, but i was, and i thought the best thing to do was remove myself from the situation. and now, in my wise old age of 27, i can’t fathom how you were feeling just standing there watching me walk away from you. you knew it was your job to take care of me, to shelter me, to be my father. but you let me go.
i only walked around the block once, but it took forever. i was scared that i wouldn’t be able to find you, that you would be mad, that you would have left me and i would be all alone. in new york city.
but when i rounded the corner, you were there. still standing in the same place i left you. waiting for me to return, because you knew i would.
everything was fine and we went to eat some pizza. you never brought it up again, but i never forgot.
you are a good dad, and you are becoming good friend. it hasn't always been easy, this transition from parent to friend, but we've stuck with it, and learned from our mistakes. it's good. and i will never forget that even when i walk away, or run away, you will never leave me all alone in new york city or wherever our travels may take us (to the ends of the earth).

you will let me go, but when i round the corner, you will still be standing there, waiting.

love,
elizabeth

** edited to add my dad's response to this post:

What a great memory you have for details!
Some of those had slipped my mind but I can still see your face when you saw all those roller coasters [at the Hershey Theme Park].
Remember the Statue of Liberty from our window as the fog lifted?
Kate Spade.
The afternoon in Times Square when you said, "Dad. You don't understand. I have to live here someday." And I knew you would.

We've done some fun things over the years but I have never enjoyed anything more than taking that trip with you. I will always think of it as a most significant time in our life together.

Love,
Dad

love in its truest form

2008-06-26T00:10:00.002-05:00

"i've been thinking of changing my mind
it never stays the same for long
but of all the things i know for sure
You're the only certain one"

- Arithmetic, Brooke Fraser

correspondence tuesday [eleven]

2008-06-24T00:00:00.003-05:00

Old friend, I hear you.
I know just how you feel.
I've been in your shoes before.
I've seen your worries,
and I can understand everything you're going through.

My friend, I've listened.
Things only can improve.
You have all the time in the world.
So keep on fighting,
and never let them say there's anything that you can't do.

Cause I believe in you, your time is coming.
Don't give up tonight.
There's a life ahead, your time is coming.
Don't let go tonight.

I watched as you sat with a cigarette in your hand
holding a drink in the other
trying to drown all your pain…

Old friend, you'll realize,
good things are worth the wait.
Enjoy the times that you have.
You'll see a new day
when darkness fades again
and the sun can rise to shine.

And I believe in you, your time is coming.
Don't give up tonight.
There's a life ahead, your time is coming.
Don't let go tonight.

- Piano Song by Juliana Theory, because sometimes other people say it better than I can

i hold these things loosely in my hands; they are fleeting

2008-06-22T14:10:00.004-05:00

"there are times when talking about things is exactly what you need, and there are other times, times like today, when no amount of talking will make you feel better. when all you can do is breathe, put one foot in front of the other, get through the day until you can sink into unconsciousness, hoping that tomorrow things will be easier. tomorrow you will be fine."
- jane green

correspondence tuesday [ten]

2008-06-17T08:59:00.007-05:00

when we first met 8 years ago, i was enthralled with you: the bright lights, the shimmering metal, the multitudes of people, your intricate public transportation system, times square, the dizzying height of the world trade center, RENT on Broadway...everything i saw. The day i stepped out of Penn Station and looked up, the first thought i had was, "home. this is home." and six years later, after graduating college and a brief stint overseas, it was time.
i packed everything i thought i needed in 2 suitcases and got on a plane. the first 6 months were hard so hard that i almost left you for another city, for somewhere i thought was better. somehow i was able to fall in love with the real you - to see past the lights and the metal and the crowds and the perception that your outward facade was all that there was to you. the real you just makes all of that more beautiful, more inviting. i still love times square and broadway. public transportation is the best thing ever, especially these days. and my heart beats fast every time i look at your skyline. walking across your bridges is one of my favorite things to do, just to see you from a different perspective. you have so much to offer, and because of you i have learned so much about me.
i can't believe it's been two years. oh, 2 years. words just don't do it justice.

happy 2 years, new york.

my best friend is 27.

2008-06-12T00:01:00.001-05:00

twenty-seven reasons i love you:

1. you are the most compassionate person i know - you would give all of your money away to homeless people if i'd let you
2. you are hospitable when i come to your house and i always feel very welcome
3. you wanted to go to africa before it was cool
4. you are self-aware. you realize things about yourself and if they need changing, you take the necessary steps to do so
5. you love your husband well
6. you love the rest of your family (both sides) well
7. you always try to see both sides of every story and help others to do so
8. you are fabulous at your job - being a counselor to high schoolers is ridiculously hard
9. you are encouraging (for example, when you found out i started exercising you sent me a subscription to Health magazine)
10. you do thoughtful things (like buy me a book full of coupons only good in new york city)
11. you know what is important to me and support it with everything you got (like REVO and merry everyday)
12. you are honest in a tactful way
13. you can read my thoughts and finish my sentences
14. you always have fun ideas (hey! let's walk to the gas station in our wedding clothes! and bring the guitar! and laugh!)
15. your sense of humor is so unique - you make me laugh at things that are probably only funny to us ("drive by fooding," by far, is the funniest thing you've ever said)
16. when you love a song, you play it repeatedly (i got five on it, anyone remember that song?)
17. you like to vacation at the beach the same way i do: great company, minimal talking, a cooler of bottled water, a good book, and some chairs underneath an umbrella
18. you danced to can't touch this the other night and it was hilarious
19. speaking of dancing, remember when you were on the dance team in college? yup, love you for that too.
20. you don't blindly accept me; instead, you encourage me to be who i should be
21. you are nice to people on the subway
22. you like things to match both color-wise and symmetrically
23. the other day you broke both of your shoes. who does that? you do. love it.
24. you like to read, and when we don't have CDs or an iPod in the car you will read aloud to me
25. you always have chapstick and hand sanitizer.
26. your life goal is to tell the world about Jesus
27. one time you said to me, "part of who i am is your best friend and i wouldn't be complete without that." i feel the exact same way.

happy birthday, bethany. i hope it's the best year of your life so far.

correspondence tuesday [nine]

2008-06-10T15:44:00.005-05:00

the thing I love the most about you is that, at any point in time, I can ask you, “what’s God doing in your life” and you always have an answer. and it’s never the “Sunday school” type answer—you’re always genuine, even if the answer is difficult.

I guess we first met back in 2002 when I became friends with a group of your friends. you were living across the country at that time, and all I heard was how much I would like you. now, in most cases, when someone tells me “you will really like ____, you guys have a lot in common,” I usually don’t end up liking the person very much. [I don’t know what exactly that says about me, but one day I’ll ask a therapist]. but I liked you immediately, and our discussions soon went from surfacy getting to know you to deep and meaningful and packed full of the good stuff.

we haven’t technically spent a whole lot of time together, but every minute is filled with Jesus and life’s lessons and advice and wisdom. I have watched how you choose live your life – really living it, embracing the changes and the ups and downs gracefully. you are so inspiring to me.

I love your spontaneity, like when I’m sitting in a coffee shop in Nashville with an hour to spare and you drop everything to come hang with me, even just for a few. I love that you made the most out of being young and single and enjoyed your life even when it was so hard to be alone sometimes. I love how you are well aware of your mistakes and have learned from them. i love that you let yourself off the hook too, when it's time.

i love the way you handled your mom's life by loving her and enjoying the short time you had with her. and i love how you handled her death, exemplifying your faith in the belief that God knows what's best for you and your family, and trusting that He gives and takes away. you showed the world that God is still good, even in the hardest circumstances. i know your mom is so proud of the incredible daughter she raised - she and your dad did a great job.

I also love that you know you’ve met the One and that he’s perfect for you…and I love that in a little more than 3 weeks you are going to marry that man. I love that it was important to you for me to be there with you, to witness what will surely be one of the greatest days of your life. it's important to me that i get to be there.

i can't wait to see you walk down that aisle. i can't wait to hear what God's doing with your marriage. i can't wait to live life with you and walk beside you, even miles apart.

love,
elizabeth

today.

2008-06-10T10:50:00.005-05:00

And it is the single, most beautiful lesson I have learned in life. I have learned that when you want something--when you really want it--you will wait for it. You will be patient and you will hold on and you will wait.

- Jennie at She Likes Purple

[...this is a blog I read though I don't actually know her in person. It's really good. And I emailed her once to tell her how much I love her blog, and then she emailed me back, so I feel like I can quote her because we had an email conversation :)]

diving in

2008-06-09T10:09:00.016-05:00

friends-
...this conjunction of souls, like waves which met and break, subsides also backward over things, and gives all a fresh aspect.
-Henry David Thoreau

i'm on the edge of change, and this has caused some inner turmoil. lately my heart has weighed heavy with the what ifs and i don't knows.

my friend elizabeth (the other one) called me while she was driving home from arkansas last night after dropping her oldest son off at [his first every sleepover] camp. earlier that day she watched him take his swimming test. at this camp, each child has to be able to swim the width of the river so that he or she doesn't have to wear a life jacket the rest of the summer unless it's necessary. basically, he just had to prove that he could swim.

elizabeth said that watching him made her cry. [side note: on jonah's fourth birthday the two of us cried because he was turning four. we sat at ihop with teams streaming down both both of our cheeks just bcause it was his birthday]. i've known this child since he was 18 months old, so i got the crying. and now he's almost 9 and about to spend 12 days in the hands of camp counselors where he knows no one and when did he grow up so much and where did those chubby cheeks go?...and...and....and.

yes. transition. life's changes. i understand.

for the test they stationed lifeguards every few feet, just in case something happens. or that was her assumption anyway. but as the kids swam, she realized that the lifeguards were also there to encourage them, to cheer them on, to support them. they called each child by name while saying things like, "you can do this! just a little bit further! you've got this! don't quit now!" for some of thm they yelled, but for others they spoke so softly the spectators could hardly hear.

the reason elizabeth shared this with me is this:
she realized this is just like life. she learned yesterday that God does the same thing...he wants his children to jump in the water, but along the way He sets up guideposts for us. He puts people in our lives to swim with us. while sometimes He uses them to carry us, to swim with us, other times we have to swim alone while He watches...but every few feet we come across another person He has placed there. and some friends are for just one season, but others are for several, or even all of them.

i love that the tone of the words was tailored for the person swimming - they were called by name! sometimes we need to be cheered on loudly (Job 37:2-5), but sometimes we simply need a gentle whisper, a kind word, a quiet reminder (Zephaniah 3:17).

He knows what we need, WHO we we need, and when we need them. His ways are mysterious but His timing is always, always perfect.

sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you....

2008-06-05T10:20:00.010-05:00

welcome to volume II of can't! stop! listening! to!
some of these are old, some are newish...but here are the songs on my recent playlist or just running through my head, and as usual the lyrics that pierce my soul:

1. Table for Two, Derek Webb
[And You know the plans that You have for me
And You can't plan the end and not plan the means
And so I suppose I just need some peace
Just to get me to sleep]

2. Break the Same, MuteMath
[The different stars tonight
will somehow fade the same
and all the tears we cry
tell us we're made the same
and when we fall aside
let's hope we fall in place
we built our different lives
but they all break the same]

3. Even the Streets, Matt Wertz
[I tried leaving you at home
but every thought returns to you
My head it seems to roam
No matter what I do]

4. Little Miss Obsessive, Ashlee Simpson
[I don't even know the lyrics, but it sure is fun]

5. Down, Something Corporate
[Let's get crazy,
Talk about our big plans
Places that you're going
Places that I haven't been
Build my walls up
Concrete castle
Keep this kingdom free of hassle]

6. Hundred, The Fray
[So this is where you are, and this is where I am
Somewhere between unsure and a hundred]

7. Franklin, Paramore
[When we get home
i know we wont be home at all
this place we live
it's not where we belong
and i miss who we were
and the town we could call our own
going back to get away after everything has changed
everything has changed]

8. Falling in Love at a Coffee Shop, Landon Pigg
[No one understands me quite like you do
Through all of the shadowy corners of me]

9. It's for the Best, Straylight Run
[But I was scared to death of eternity
I was saved by grace
But destroyed by naivety
And I lied to myself
And said it was for the best]

10. Good Life, Andy Davis
[We struggle to pay rent
'cause jeans are expensive
professional children
it's just the way that we live]

correspondence tuesday [eight]

2008-06-04T11:18:00.012-05:00

Someday,

the light will shine like a sun through my skin & they will say,

What have you done with your life?

& though there are many moments I think I will remember,

in the end, I will be proud to say,

I was one of us.

- Story People

how many people can say they’re still friends with their friends from high school? I would think not very many. they might keep in touch, but I doubt most of them would choose to spend time together, to make an effort to see each other, talk on the phone, or keep up with the important stuff. i suppose most people run from high school and never look back - i mean, high school sucks, and i wouldn't have survived it without the five of you. i guess that's why i can't - won't - run and never look back.

the transition from high school to early twenties to later twenties (someone please tell me how we are already in our ‘later twenties’) is hard enough, but it’s tough when you don’t exactly know how to look forward instead of backward -- sometimes longingly, sometimes not so longingly. but how do you reconcile moving on and watching other people move on, and STILL loving them through every change? really even liking anyone through every change is hard. there are no answers except the ones we figure out as we learn each other at 17, at 22 at 25, and now in our 27th years.

There are certain dynamics within groups of friends. While each of us have separate relationships, the actual group is one relationship. And ours is just fun, huh? Chaotic and crazy, loud and dramatic, opinionated and serious…fun. From dancing to Gloria Estefan and bachelorette parties at Connections to weddings and babies (5! FIVE BABIES! not to mention the 5! FIVE WEDDINGS), the thing that I remember the most is the laughter. the sitting around celebrating (babies, engagements, weddings, moving to China and then to New York, new homes and more) and just laughing. we are so very blessed to have opportunites – to CREATE opportunites – to laugh together.

it’s been a roller coaster, which is to be expected when you are friends with people for a long time. we’ve had traumatizing things happen to us, we’ve made horrible decisions, we’ve gone through phases together and separately that could have been detrimental. but here we are, 10 years since this all began our junior year of high school. and lo and behold, we still like each other. we still laugh and dance and talk over each other a mile a minute, so fast none of us can even keep up with the conversation. we still support each other. we have good lives, for the most part.

i love that as i'm writing i can say we and us...because i feel like everything that happens to y'all happens to me too. this is why i can rejoice when one of you gets married, and be so excited about your babies (and your children who are no longer babies), and make an effort to come see your homes, and cry with you and for you when something terrible happens. i know that you are rejoicing with me as i celebrate good things in my life and crying with me when life is just hard. i also know that you love me, that you want the best for me, and that you see me in a way i can only hope to see myself someday.

i'm so grateful that i get to be part of an us.

love,
elizabeth

baby envy!

2008-06-04T09:15:00.007-05:00

this weekend while at home in TN i got to hold two squishy babies! i'm at work and i don't have the pic of melissa's baby elliot, but i'll post it later tonight.

**edit: this is elliot, my friend melissa's cute cute baby boy!**

this one is better of me

but this one is better of him! so cute!

and this is connor (with an 'O'), rebekah's beautiful child! he is so good and let me hold him for a looong time, which i loved.

this is right after he spit up on me. i blame my dad, who was moving him around a lot and then handed him back to me. but i don't mind....just look at this face!

[thanks for coming to see me, you guys! it made my day!]

i will be posting correspondence tuesday later today, and we'll pretend today is my tuesday because i didn't go to work monday...ok? ok.

correspondence tuesday [seven]

2008-05-26T22:05:00.012-05:00

i'm shaking up correspondence tuesday this week.
for the past couple of years, i've tried to set aside time on tuesdays to write letters or send packages to the important people in my life who don't live near me. i decided to bring it to the blog and write to an anonymous [important] person each tuesday. except this time, they are not all that anonymous, and they live VERY near me. but they are important nonetheless. this is the seventh edition - enjoy!

"if these streets could whisper
if these walls could speak
they would scream out love
they would cry themselves to sleep
they would pray to Jesus
they would sing rock n roll
they would laugh with each other
they would live soul to soul"
- Sean McConnell, If These Walls Could Speak

the last time i was home - the time you came with me - my mom turned to me with tears in her eyes and asked how i got so lucky to find someones [yes, someones] like you. i told her that i don’t believe in luck, but sometimes i look around and i am completely in awe of God’s provision for my life.

to put into words how i feel about four other people is a huge and daunting task. four people, who, in a short year, have had an impact on my life that is almost unfathomable. i hear the question all the time: how do you do it? HOW do you live with four girls? and i always have the same answer: well, it’s hard. but it is so good.

we knew going into this that it wouldn’t always be easy. and it has taken a year to feel comfortable, a year to learn quirks and habits and eccentricities and yes, annoyances too. but really? i would do it all over again - every confrontation, every raised eyebrow, and every closed door - because with all of that comes every joy, every bit of laughter, every prayer, every tear, every moment that i am overwhelmed with the beauty and talent that surrounds me.

living with you is like living with a mirror in front of my face 24 hours a day. i'm sure, for most people, that wouldn’t be fun. and some of the time it’s not, like when i see something that i don’t like (and i'm not talking about my thighs). but my mirrors also see the best in me. they encourage me. they don’t allow me to be self-depreciating. you have shown me things about myself that i never knew. you have taught me to not be so passive. because of you, i feel safe to be angry, to be sad, to be happy….safe to feel, really. and oh! the forgiveness and grace – i didn’t know such grace existed outside of Jesus and my mother.

before you, the words "vulnerability" and "authenticity" and "community" didn’t mean much to me – i mean, i thought i had them down, that i didn’t need to learn how to be these things. i was these things in public; i assumed i was also these things in private. i was wrong. as jon tyson once said in a sermon of his, “the real you is who you are at home.” it’s true. the real me isn’t ‘on’ 24/7 – i need a few minutes of down time when i get home from work. the real me isn’t always an open book – i can be closed off and i tend shut down when i'm overwhelmed. the real me isn’t always respectful or Christ-like. the real me tends to crawl into a (metaphorical) hole when i get sad or depressed. you know all of this, and still you love me. you are silent when i need silence, and you speak when it is time to speak. you crawl into bed with me, under the covers, just to let me know you are there. you sincerely say things like, “i know you love your friends from home, and i know they are good friends. but we love you and want to be that for you too.” you create an environment where it’s possible – and preferable - to live in the light and to confess my short-comings. you raise my standards.

you make this city home.

love,
elizabeth

email from my dad, in response to the chapman family tragedy*

2008-05-23T10:23:00.003-05:00

"I truly believe that God has planned prosperity in "the Beautiful Land" for His purpose. Doors in China and other places in the world are suddenly open to us. Like most doors however, they swing both ways. May He give us wisdom and strength to accept His tasks when they are offered."

*one and two

what matters most? everything that you feel while listening to every word that I sing

2008-05-21T17:22:00.005-05:00

sorry for the lack of correspondence tuesday...i'm just not feeling it this week. sometimes i can't put the words together.

in lieu of all things deep and meaningful, here's a list of songs i can't! stop! listening! to! complete with either the lyrics that make my heart beat fast (and sometimes make me want to curl up in the fetal position) or my own commentary:

1. When a Heart Breaks, Dave Barnes
[Please don't leave me here]

2. Your Call, Secondhand Serenade
[I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home]

3. No Air, Jordan Sparks + Chris Brown (shut up, I know)
[I mean this song really has no redeeming qualities, it's just fun]

4. Say, John Mayer
[You'd better know that in the end it's better to say too much than never say what you need to say]

5. The Last Time He Saw Dorie, Copeland
[She was a wreck, but he loved her]
also: 6. When Finally Set Free
[Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we've come]

7. Breathe Me, Sia
[ok, pretty much - this entire song makes me want to die. um, in a good way of course. the piano, the voice, yikes!]
also: 8. The Girl You Lost to Cocaine
[current ringtone!]

9. Hometown Glory, ADELE
[I like it in the city when two worlds collide]

10. You’ll Come, Hillsong United (Brooke Fraser!)
[We are not shaken, we are not moved; we wait upon you Lord]

11. Bleeding Love, Leona Lewis
[I’ll blame my best friend, who played it 42,000 times the last time we hung out]

12. Close Enough, Sean McConnell
[Makes me want to fall in love so I can feel this way about someone]

13. Washington Square, Counting Crows
[When nothing I needed is left there behind me
I walk out through the shadows of Washington Square]

14. I Will Posses Your Heart, Death Cab
[How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me...
It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read just yet]

correspondence tuesday will be back next week (sara!)

There is HOPE!!

2008-05-21T12:45:00.002-05:00

HOPE!

JCICS finally released A Child's Right Campaign for Vietnam. Please help!

the exchange of the truth for a lie

2008-05-19T13:44:00.004-05:00

I resisted coming here, to open the harbors that guard my heart

(Jeremiah 23:24).

Abide with me, fast falls the even tide.

This darkness deepens, Lord with me abide.

And what does not flow freely from You?

Am I convicted of what I say?

Forgive me of this pride that knows Your redemption

yet shamelessly walks away.

And now my life ebbs away.

Night pierces my bones, and these gnawing pains never rest.

And how I long for that day (when I will return to ashes and dust)

(Job 30:17-19).

If my steps turn from the path, or if my heart has been led by my eyes, or if my hands have been defiled, then may others reap what I have sown

(Job 31:7-8).

Better that I dwell in the house of the Lord who upholds all those who fall

than reap this harvest of a life waged in the flesh.

And what do I gain but the exchange of the truth for a lie?

And a heart conditioned not to feel, callused by the nature of my pride?

And now my life ebbs away.

- Anathallo, A Song for Christine

you make it hard to smile cause you make it hard to breathe

2008-05-16T23:56:00.005-05:00

today i:

* was busy at work

* downloaded sandra and derek's ep

* drove a car through the city to new jersey without wrecking it

* got to eat P.F. Chang's with some of my fave people [Happy Birthday LA!]

* fought some battles, in my mind at least

* [or perhaps] let God fight some battles for me

* finished this book. great book.

* remembered [upon googling] that the guy who wrote this book is a real person. oh yeah, it's a memoir...and he's only 25. geez.

* ordered a REVO shirt

correspondence tuesday [six]

2008-05-13T15:44:00.003-05:00

orphans, part 2

2008-05-13T09:28:00.001-05:00

update:

we heard today that JCICS will not release their Children's Initiative due to some impending results from an undisclosed meeting. however, we're still planning to be ready to jump on it as soon as they make the announcement (www.jcics.org).

this was on my desk calendar for today:the prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working. james 5:16b

stay tuned!

orphans.

2008-05-08T16:32:00.002-05:00

Ok, a kind of long story not really kind of short:

I have a good friend (some of you know her, but since this is a public forum I wanted to be careful) who works at an adoption agency. She is the consultant for Vietnam adoptions. From what I understand, the adoption process is pretty complicated. There are referrals, home visits, and thousands of dollars poured into international adoption. My friend works with families who are hoping for a Vietnamese child.

Recently there have been a lot of political issues revolving around adoptions, and families are in jeopardy of not being able to bring home their children. While historically the US and VN do not thrive on a stable relationship, presently the US is not doing all they can to help these families.

The thing, I think, that we forget, is that there are real people behind this. Real lives that are affected. Real parents who want to give a child a home, real children who need homes. Many of these families are nearing the end of the process - but because of this mess, their time tables keep getting pushed back and the whole thing is close to completely ending. Meaning, they have been through an extremely long waiting period and it's possible they are going to be out thousands of dollars [not to mention the emotional toil this takes] with no child. And on the flip side, the child they wanted - wanted to love, to provide for - is still an orphan. It sucks.

Jesus says we are supposed to take care of orphans. In James [1:27] it says that caring for orphans and widows is religion that is undefiled. Basically, it's your belief shown in its purist form. Pure belief.

It's times like these that I feel helpless, but at the same time grateful to know there's at least something I can do. The first thing is to pray. God has a heart for these people - the parents whose hopes of a Vietnamese baby are being shattered, the children who so desperately want - and NEED - to be loved. He is near to the broken, and I know that these people are feeling very broken right now.

Secondly, on Monday there will be a plan released by the Joint Council on International Children's Services telling us where to go from here. Here are the details that i have so far:

Next Monday, JCICS will be launching a campaign to pressure the State Department to settle its dispute with Vietnam and sign a new agreement that will continue adoptions after September 1st. On Monday, there will be specific times and days for you to call your state representatives and ask them to sign onto this initiative. The idea is to get their attention. We want thousands of families to call at the same time so that congress will know we are serious about this. We also feel at this time that congress needs to step in and pressure DOS (the Department of State) to sign a new agreement with Vietnam. Who can call? EVERYONE. You should not only call yourself but have your families, friends and everyone you know to call their local state representative.

You can go to congress.org to get a list of your congresspeople as well as their email addresses. All you have to do is enter your ZIP. It might be a good idea to email them from this site as well.

Thanks for reading through this - I know it's long but it's something that is so important. i will be sending more info when I can, but until then please join me in prayer!

correspondence tuesday [five]

2008-05-06T00:48:00.005-05:00

...and the sun will set for you

2008-05-05T21:01:00.005-05:00

"Maybe this is what grace is, the unseen sounds that make you look up. I think it's why we are here, to see as many chips of blue sky as we can bear...to notice flickers of the divine, like dust notes on sunbeams in your dusty kitchen. Without all the shade and shadows, you'd miss the beauty of the veil. The shadow is always there, and if you don't remember it, when it falls on you and your life again, you're plunged into darkness. Shadows make the light show."

- Anne Lamott

Sorority Life

2008-05-03T12:37:00.004-05:00

Back when I wrote my 100 things about me I mentioned that I was a member of a sorority in college, but that I quit my senior year. I said that I would write about it one day, and I guess today’s the day.

Someone recently asked me if I was popular in high school. I didn’t know how to answer that. I participated in extra-curricular activities which meant I had a lot of different friends – I was in choir and a cheerleader. I was in a sorority in high school which basically meant I paid a few dollars a month to sporadically attend meetings, but the real reason I was in it was for the formal we had at the end of the year. It was a big deal with a big presentation and (what I thought were) pretty dresses. I did sort of think about the exclusivity of it all, but at the same time was so relieved to be included that it didn’t matter. Your sorority in high school didn’t determine who you were friends with – in fact, my closest friends weren’t even in a sorority at all. They were probably the smart ones.

College sororities were meetings and pretty dresses but on a much larger scale. I never considered NOT being in a college sorority – I wanted to belong, to be accepted, to fit somewhere. And somehow, I believed that if I wasn’t in a sorority I wouldn’t have any friends. Also, my mom was in a sorority in college, making me a ‘legacy.’ So I went through the rush process.

There are many reasons I would not join a sorority at this point in my life, and rush (or “recruitment” as it is now called) might be the first and foremost. It is hell. Imagine six rooms filled with beautiful, smiling women all in matching t-shirts. They all know your name, where you went to high school, what you did in high school, your high school GPA, and all your dirty laundry, including but not limited to that one bad decision you made your freshman year (FOUR years ago). (Please note, I am not referring to myself here, but since I have been through rush from the other side, I know that it’s true). Every night after you’ve made the rounds (endless hours of small talk), they go through a process and decide to “drop” you or invite you back for another night of small talk. Most sororities will invite you back after the first night, but truth be told you could be “dropped” from every one after night one. You also get the choice to drop sororities that you don't want to be in if they don't drop you first. Anyway, this process goes on for like 5 days or something, and at the end you make a choice (if you still have one) and they make a choice and hopefully your choices match because if so, then you get to pledge ____ sorority. The last day is bid day, and it is fun and exciting for some people and heart-breaking for others.

For me, I was just glad to be done. I was in the sorority of my choice (and I did get dropped by other sororities, which – even when I knew which one I wanted - was a bit hurtful nonetheless). [And for the record, I’m not going to mention which one I was in, or details that might lead you to guess – it’s really not important]. I was glad to be chosen. I was glad that several of my good friends from high school were in the same pledge class and some other friends were already members. I was glad to have an identity. And I was proud of my sorority…we really were different. We were not all carbon copies of each other. There were skinny girls and fat girls, loud/outgoing girls and quiet/reserved girls, black girls and white girls. If I was going to be a sorority girl I was glad that I got to be in the sorority that wasn’t entirely made up of “sorority girls,” if that makes any sense. Sure, we had some, but not many. I thought.

The first three years were good. Fun. I participated in everything I could and made a few great friends along the way. My closest friends were in my sorority, so we did everything together. I lived with girls in the sorority. My mom used to say I was majoring in [insert sorority here] with a minor in English. I put a lot of time and effort into making it the best – and it was. We were.

But there were things about it that I wasn’t proud of. Like, one girl came out after she had finished pledging. She hadn’t been initiated because her grades weren’t good enough, so she was on probation. I’ll never know what really happened with her, but I am pretty sure she was pushed out. Asked not to come back because she was a lesbian, but under the guise of not making the grades. And I do know that when she wore a shirt with our logo on it, she was asked not to wear anything with our letters on it anymore. We treated her like a leper, like struggling with homosexuality was the worst thing ever. I know some people were embarrassed that someone like her could “slip through the cracks.”
I am so ashamed of how twisted my thinking was. I would see her out and become so uncomfortable, but deep down I knew I was uncomfortable because I was part of an institution that made her an outcast. I always wanted to apologize to her but I didn’t know if it would make things more weird, or how to approach it, so I simply smiled. I was always nice. But I hurt for her, and still do.

Or how about the one time the president had to kick her best friend out? She had to choose between the sorority or her best friend, and she chose the sorority. I don’t know if she regrets that, but in a moment of vulnerability she told me that she simply couldn’t believe she was part of something that was forcing her to make that choice.

My least favorite part of sorority life was still the rush process. I hated it. After being on the other side, the sorority side, you begin to wonder how in the WORLD you ever got in. And no, I’m not going to act pious like I didn’t say mean things. I did. The masochistic part of me loved being able to say horrible things to a roomful and having them laugh. It’s kind of powerful, knowing that your words can keep someone out of something you’re already a part of. I’m sure my words kept some girls from getting invited back.

I believe you reap what you sow. I had an elevated sense of self importance and it bit me in the ass. My final year in the sorority my sister was going through rush. She was a double legacy for my sorority and I was currently IN the sorority, so I thought it was a given that she’d get in. I was elected to be a Rho Chi that year – a sort of counselor who helps girls who are going through rush know where they’re supposed to be at what time, which sororities they got invited back to, which ones dropped them, etc. It was really fun because we didn’t have to do the small talk smiling thing, we could actually get to know these girls for a short time. I also thought it would be easier for Kathleen if I wasn’t in the room while she was talking to the girls in my sorority.

The details are a little fuzzy, but I do remember that halfway through the week, one of my best friends called me and told me they were probably going to drop Kathleen. See, when they talk about people at the end of the night, they can ask anyone who might repeat the information to leave the room. One night they asked 4 of my best friends and my [sorority] little sisters to stand outside while they discussed Kathleen. The next morning our advisor called my mom and told her that they had made the decision to drop her, that she wouldn’t be receiving a bid from MY sorority, MY MOM’s sorority, the sorority I had poured the last 3.5 years of my life into, the sorority I truly believed was different and good and not like every other hurtful, back-stabbing sorority. I was blind-sided. And my thoughts were wrong, because deep down we were the same. We just looked different on the outside. And I was part of something that was capable of mean, mean things.

No one knows what happened. I take that back – someone knows what happened, but no one ever told me. Shortly thereafter, I turned in my pin and walked away from those girls, because if they didn’t want my family the certainly weren’t getting me. I packed up my 1400 sorority t-shirts and gave them away. I took my stickers off of my car.

Before the year was over, I’m pretty sure 2 of my friends ended up quitting and a couple of others simply stopped participating. I don’t know that this had anything to do with me, they made the decision that was best for them. Just like I try to not begrudge those who chose to stay and continue to participate – again, they made the decision that was best for them. But if I’m being honest, and I usually am, I admit that it blows my mind that anyone could choose to be a part of something that is so exclusive. Something that seems to cause so much heartbreak. But of course my perspective is biased, because I am one of the ones who got hurt. I am one of the ones whose heart got a little broken. If this had never happened, I’d probably still be justifying my participation with the rest of them.

As for my sweet sister, she ended up transferring to another school, joining another sorority, and quitting after 2 years. I guess we’re just not cut out for sorority life. And I am grateful, because I've had to find my identity in the One who can truly identify me.

I know that some of you who read this were in the sorority with me. I’m not trying to offend anyone, so I apologize if I have done so. Everyone has a different perspective and this is mine.

correspondence tuesday [four]

2008-04-29T17:18:00.007-05:00

2008-04-24T23:25:00.003-05:00

"I have always believed in you, I mean, you're the most extraordinary person that I've ever met; I'm your biggest fan"
- Dawson's Creek

"You can't get a best friend. Best friends become. They don't happen in a meeting or a year or two...it's a package deal, friendship...[it's] only as valuable as what you put in."
- Felicity

Due to a flight scheduling error (on my part...oops!) I get to spend the entire day with my best friend instead of just a few hours. In 8 hours I will be on my way back to TN...back to where I'm safe and loved and everything just always feels right (though it can be argued that all of those things exist for me in New York as well).

Anyway, here's to 3 day weekends turned into 4 day weekends because I apparently can't read!

all i want is just to hear that i'm okay.....

2008-04-23T08:39:00.003-05:00

last night i went to hear a band play, and you know those stamps that let everyone know you're [way] over-age? yeah, and this is where they put it at this particular venue. i spent the evening going back and forth between laughing at it and feeling like I AM OK!

in conversation

2008-04-22T11:03:00.000-05:00

E: And by the way, I really admire how you asked everyone for advice on Sunday. That’s something I’m not very good at, so I admire it when people do!
R: Oh geez! Asking for advice was seriously a desperate plea. Of course, in the end, I just had to have it out with JC in the park.
E: Isn’t that like God though? We can ask everyone for advice, but in the end you end up having it out with JC in the park.

correspondence tuesday [three]

2008-04-22T00:20:00.001-05:00

i've been trying to put into words how i feel about you since december. when you left, i had every intention of writing to you but i couldn't get the words right, and then it felt too late. i hope it's not too late.

i don't think you realize just how much you are missed. you filled a role in my life that i so desperately needed you to fill, though i would have never admitted it. no, we don't see eye to eye on certain things - i think you're too old fashioned, you think i'm too much of a rebel. but at the same time, you never made me feel stupid for my convictions. you never judged me for my mistakes that were so apparent. you treated me like a friend and one of your children at the same time - not an easy task when you're just now learning to be a friend to your own children. i hope that our relationship makes the transition easier.

i have never really had a mentor before. i like to figure things out on my own and rarely ask for advice because i am too prideful and independent. and, as you know, if there's anything i hate it's for people to tell me what to do. you quickly realized this and handled my stubborn heart with care. even if you didn't agree with me, you were always on my side with your consistent support and encouragement. the few times i let you into the depths of my heart were met with just the right amount of love and laughter - noticeably absent of judgement or condescension. thank you for letting me be vulnerable with you. thank you for letting me cry to you. thank you for helping me to love this city the way you did (do!) and thank you for loving me.

i want you to come back. i want you to sell your house and your stuff and put the rest in a uhaul and move back to me. i want to whine and cry and tell you that WE NEED YOU HERE. but i know that they need you there too, at least for a couple of years, and that you are changing the world right where you are.

i think that might be what i admire most about you - you let God use you to change the world no matter your location or circumstance. you committed your life to being used no matter what. if your willingness to follow Him is your way of advising me subtly without using words, then this time i'll take that advice.

love, elizabeth

happy revo day.

2008-04-20T21:19:00.002-05:00

in daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.
in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
in 525,600 minutes
how do you measure a year in the life?

how about love?

there's no where in this world i'd rather be

2008-04-19T17:13:00.004-05:00

if you know me, or if you have read my 100 things and you feel like you know me, you know that i was a pretty big fan of a certain band back in the 'ole college days. [if 'fan' means that on the weekends, i got in my car and followed them around the southeast. i might call it 'stalking' these days, but i speak for myself. and whatever, if was fun. and whatever, they were a great band. don't judge me]. one of the awesome people i met, alison (ONLY ONE L! GET IT RIGHT!), ended up moving to new york city right after i did, and over the past year and a half we have explored this city together as often as possible.

Last night we went on a little New York adventure...

Read about it here!

i heart teeeny tiny chocolate chips

2008-04-17T10:57:00.003-05:00

yup, it's been a day:

however, a highlight:

it's finally warm enough to go to bryant park for lunch!

also, i posted at gloryology today.

correspondence tuesday [two]

2008-04-15T08:57:00.010-05:00

like a thousand miles of fire

2008-04-12T13:28:00.005-05:00

one year ago:
on a plane heading to Tennessee. into the unknown. 12 days of "i don't know."

"What do you do in New York?"
"I don't know."

for the first time in 10 months i didn't want to leave new york. i was afraid i would miss something. i finally had friends. we were about to move in together. but i was excited about going home. about leslie's show. about preparing for/helping with REVO. about spending several days in nashville with ellie. about my heart being at rest for the first time in too long.
i wanted to be in new york. i wanted to be in nashville. thus perpetuating the tug of war in my heart...home vs...um? home?

i went back to TN with zero expectations and You blew me away.

anniversaries - dates, i guess - are important to me. i like to measure time that way. i like to measure growth that way. i love to look back at the last year or two and compare them to now.

now:
new job. the friends i didn't want to leave? some of my best. my heart is still. my mind is not confused. i am content - not necessarily comfortable, but content. my relationships have changed, but only because they needed to.
now:
i'm okay with not knowing what's next. i still plan, but plans change. i love my life. some things are still not reconciled, but You asked me to focus on You. I try. I fail, but still try.

I can't even fathom what's ahead. But today, I'm going to go to Brooklyn with my friends. I'm going to wear my cowboy boots with some leggings and pretend to be 'brooklyn cool.' i'm going to be content. we're going to go to thrift stores and laugh and talk and laugh some more.
and next year, i'm going to look back on april 12 and remember how good it was, and how good it will be.

but most of all, how good You are.

correspondence tuesday [one]

2008-04-08T09:43:00.001-05:00

heavier things

2008-04-07T19:18:00.006-05:00

today was a heavy day.

it was one of those days where i sit at my desk and constantly fight back tears. a day where those closest to me are loaded down with the weight of their worlds, and i get to bear their weight too. [please note, i'm serious when i say i get to bear their weight too - it's an honor and privilege to get to walk beside these women].

days like these are days where there are no conclusions, only acceptance of each moment as it comes.

so, here's to life changes.

here's to you and you and you.

here's to my one of my roommates.

and here's to knowing what it's like to love, and knowing what it's like to walk away.
here's to tears because the memories are painful.
to the fact that they're just memories is even more painful.
here's to having memories at all.
here's to having a best friend.
to losing a best friend because it was time for them to find their own identity, and you yours.
here's to honesty. to wisdom.
here's to days like today, where there are no conclusions, just moments.
to making difficult decisions even though they're the best.
here's to Jesus, because He is so sovereign.
here's to facing it.
here's to growing up and accepting life, and learning from it.
to sharing your heart with people.
here's to loving, here's to losing.

where are you going?

2008-04-02T23:36:00.012-05:00

"We are part of such a restless generation. Always moving, going, seeking then finding, and choosing to seek more. We are not a generation of finding roots in one place.

Because we find roots in every place.

To be moving is to be grounded. It seems like a strange paradox and there are definitely some people who abuse this freedom in order to run. The true movers in this generation don't run. They constantly seek the will of God and beg to be used wherever they are. On the other hand, runners constantly seek a will of their own and use God when necessary. But a mover waits on God. The mover allows their life to bear fruit always.

And leaving never means running.

It means obedience, or searching to find, or chasing the trail that the feet in front of you left behind. It involves adventure, but mostly change. They do not see life as something to defend or be ashamed of. So they welcome change. And this change usually takes place from the inside-out. As the mover becomes more aware of who lives inside of them, change happens."

Photo by Alison Kendrick

Excerpt from 'Don't Run, Be Moved' by Leslie Dudney; read the rest here.

It's no coincidence that both were emailed to me today. God's cool like that...

like i got run over by a truck part 2!

2008-03-29T14:34:00.006-05:00

[an update]
so far today, i:
woke up at 8am
stayed in bed until 1:00pm, only getting up to a). get breakfast (yes, i ate it in bed) and b.) pee (because of the incredible amts of water i have to drink when i take my 4 TIMES A DAY antibiotic).

currently i'm sitting on my couch with my roommate rachel. We were just talking about how freeing it is to be able to DO WHATEVER YOU WANT all day.

tonight, it's possible i'm gonna hang out with some fun friends. but only if i can drag myself to the shower and then to hell's kitchen.

how was your saturday?

like i got run over by a truck.

2008-03-28T14:36:00.006-05:00

Recently the question "how are you" has been met with "i feel like i got run over by a truck."

March has been an insane month, good in so many ways, but exhausting. i'm pretty sure in college i stayed up until 4 am many a night...now if I go to bed past 12 i forgo the shower in favor of another 15 minutes of sleep. i've felt (and looked) like trash at work the last couple of weeks...hair in a ponytail, no makeup, and whatever combination of clothing i could put on my body that looked somewhat appealing (or, in yesterday's case, not so appealing...as i got to work an realized i had a nice GIANT stain on the front of my white sweater. i wore my marmot jacket all day, which resulted in a critical once - over by our VP. seriously, i'm the least fashionable person here...when did that happen?)

where was i? oh yes, march. a month of sleeplessness and insanity.
REVO. My roommate Rachel does a great job of summing it all up here or you can go here or here to check it out.

every spare (and not so spare) second we have lived and breathed REVO. It's been in the works for 10 months, and it's hard to believe it's over.
during REVO week we had anywhere from 2 to 6 people staying at our house on any given night. several people flew in from nashville for help and support. the week was incredible, super busy, but incredible.
and if you were here and you still want to be my friend, i'm impressed with your tenacity (and love, of course). it's all a blur now, but i'm sure my words weren't as kind as they could have been. i also need to learn to control my facial expressions, because apparently it's obvious when i'm pissed. and all this time i thought i was an emotion-hiding expert!

the stress of last week gave way to a nice cold. I also had a root canal on Monday, which still hurt yesterday. So I went back to the dentist, and he sent me to an oral surgeon, and the o.s. put me on a super strong antibiotic that i have to take 4 TIMES A DAY. the combination of meds i'm on is impressive: 6 total. Awesome.

all that to say, i'm still here, but i need some rest. this weekend i am doing whatever i want to do, and i have a sneaking suspicion that's gonna involve some sleeping. and then some more sleeping. and maybe a mani/pedi and eyebrow wax! and then sleep some more. on my back, so as to not ruin my nails.