goal for february --

blog more.

yeah, 5 days in, and i'm already behind. but i really enjoyed blogging every day in november until things got crazy, so this month i'm going to really try to write more.

it is healthy.

and i got a new computer, so i have no excuse.

but now, i'm going home because it's 6:00 (or rather, i'm going to have dinner and watch grey's with maria, because it's 6:00)

top ten reasons i love coming home:

1. spending a significant amt of time with my entire family.

2. i love to drive.

3. celebrating the life of my incredible grandfather!

4. rose (= my blackberry) and ruby (= el's blackberry) got to meet for the first time

5. spending the day in nashville = sushi at pm and cupcakes at gigi's!

6. seeing twilight twice for a fraction of the cost with some of my FAVORITE people

7. sleeping in my own bed

8. attending crosspoint

9. it doesn't hurt wearing heels - the longest i have to walk is to the car :)

10. target and chick fil a!

day 14...and i've got nothin'

things i want to write about but can't get past the first two sentences:

- our trip to Africa. we leave in 6 weeks. What???
- the six shots i got for said trip to Africa -- five in one day! i'm hardcore.
- the gross new york weather and how it makes me feel (ugh)
- the amount of money i have spent on cabs lately because of the gross weather and how i also seem to be running late a lot these days

- the fact that i'm in my bed at 8:30 on friday night. i'm tired. obvi.
- my grandfather
- how excited i am that i have company coming next weekend
- the twilight movies (that's right, i said movies PLURAL!)
- how much i love my blackberry. her name is rose.

real post tomorrow instead of a lame list, which will require that i get out of bed and do something worth writing about. here's to hoping!

how i used my skills as a former groupie to stalk a vampire* [a timeline]:

SUNDAY:
1:00PM received word that edward cullen (his real name is robert pattinson. i don't care. from now on his name is edward) would be at the Apple Store in Soho Monday night.
1:30PM moved Monday night Bible Study to the Starbucks beside the Apple Store. Obviously a coincidence.
1:45 convinced roommate Susan to join ("convinced" really is a strong word...all i had to say was edward cullen and she was totally in)
2:00-11:00 Spent rest of day in anticipation of seeing boyfriend on monday

MONDAY
10:30-3:00 too much work (sadly forgot about seeing boyfriend, as was extremely busy)
3:00 received word that the line formed at 11:00 this afternoon and they were only letting 80 people in
3:30 told Bible study girls to get in line
5:00 Bible study girls get to go in
6:15 leave work
6:20 get on wrong train
6:30 get on right train that goes wrong way
6:45 give up and take a cab. slowest cab driver ever.
7:00 arrive at apple store

my 'excited!' face

7:01-7:29 wait. we have come to the conclusion that we won't be getting in the store.
7:30 spend $4 on an apple and some sweet potato chips for dinner from dean & deluca, as is closest place to eat. need to get back to my standing spot
7:40 realize we are standing next to paparazzi. best chance for glimpse of edward

7:45 crowd gets bigger
7:46-7:59 take pictures to pass time:

we love edward cullen.

8:00 false alarm [someone screams "EDWARD" and girls come a runnin']
8:01 wonder if i've been transported back to 1964 and we're actually waiting for the beatles


8:05 false alarm, but this time i scream too and run across the street. yes, i'm embarrassed.
8:15 Catherine Hardwicke shows up. Stupid paparazzi run up to her yelling, "Stephenie! Please sign our books!" We inform them that she is NOT Stephenie. They are idiots.
8:20 the NYPD show up:
8:20-8:30 crowd continually getting yelled at by bodyguards to back up and get off the street
8:35 a black car pulls up
8:35 i scream and run across the street. again.
8:35 edward cullen gets out of the car. i try to take a picture and end up with this stellar shot:
9:00 on way home. make roommate susan cry when i show her what i've written in my journal about my future husband (because reading the twilight series will make you write about your future husband)
11:30 bed. and glad i got to see edward cullen. but mostly i'm just glad to live in a city as crazy as new york.

* yes, a vampire i said. i have trouble believing edward cullen's not real.

TUESDAY [AN EDIT]:

roommate susan sends me this picture. Now I know why my shot of Edward was so incredible:

i am awesome.

that girl.

so, this guy wrote a post that inspired me. check it out, then come back and read mine :)

i constantly underestimate the power of Jesus.
i love the words ‘authentic’ and ‘real’ yet hole myself up in my room to avoid conversation– esp. when things need to be talked about.
i only post the good pictures of myself, and de-teg any with a double chin.
i have serious writers block when i have unresolved Heart Issues, though i would have you believe it’s because i’m so busy.
i am jealous of everyone else. probably even you.
i want to be unique.
i want to fit in.
i am super critical when i don’t understand or don’t agree.
i think my worldview is the ‘best’ or ‘right’ one.
i have a difficult time being fully present – i spend a lot of time in my future, and even more in my past.
i do a lot of things based on what i think others’ perceptions are of me.
i compare myself to everyone. probably even you.
i am too quick to judge.
i love to talk about myself.

but.

i am learning that you can’t follow Someone if you can’t trust them. and you can’t trust Someone if you don’t believe they love you.

God loves me.

i really, really want to believe Him, to trust Him, to follow Him.

i cannot live without books (thomas jefferson).

books on my "bedside table" (aka my windowsill) from left to right:
the way to love by anthony demillo
what the spirit is saying to the Churches by henry blackaby
52 ways to help you and your small group grow by dave early and rod dempsey
bird by bird by anne lammott
everything belongs by richard rohr
rockabye: from wild to child by rebecca woolf
the message remix by eugene peterson
reaching out by henri nouwen
believing God, breaking free, and david: 90 days with a heart like His by beth moore

books i just returned to the bookshelf after i cleaned off my windowsill yesterday:
twilight , eclipse, and breaking dawn (three-fourths of the twilight saga) by stephenie meyer
the reason for God by tim keller
blue like jazz by donald miller

books in my purse:
ESV thinline compact Bible
crazy love by francis chan

what are you reading?

no correspondence tuesday this week...

...because i've been reading this:


i've been so caught up in my fictional friends that i haven't taken the time to write about my real life friends. corr. tues will resume next week!
but tomorrow, a blog about transitions and changes and how selfish i am...i know you're looking forward to it!

classic [escapism]

tonight, i am feeling:
antisocial
broken [, but]
hopeful
disoriented [, because of]
[the kind of] exhausted [exhaustion] [that begins in my heart, spreads through my veins, radiates and spills over onto everything i touch]
sad [, a little, yet]
edgy [location - wise, i just want to jump off]

i want to be:
enchanting
creative
moved

good weekend.

more.

all my history...

everyone's on vacay at work...so due to my lack of things to do, i've moved everything from my 2 livejournals (2002-2004), my xanga (2005), and my phusebox (2006) to this blog (whew!)

reading throught the past 5 or 6 years of my life has been kinda weird...kinda painful. i definitely left some of it out, esp the earlier stuff.

anyway, if you read this via feed, sorry if it shows up...it shouldn't, but it may slip through the cracks!

happy wednesday...

i hold these things loosely in my hands; they are fleeting

"there are times when talking about things is exactly what you need, and there are other times, times like today, when no amount of talking will make you feel better. when all you can do is breathe, put one foot in front of the other, get through the day until you can sink into unconsciousness, hoping that tomorrow things will be easier. tomorrow you will be fine."
- jane green

diving in

friends-
...this conjunction of souls, like waves which met and break, subsides also backward over things, and gives all a fresh aspect.
-Henry David Thoreau

i'm on the edge of change, and this has caused some inner turmoil. lately my heart has weighed heavy with the what ifs and i don't knows.

my friend elizabeth (the other one) called me while she was driving home from arkansas last night after dropping her oldest son off at [his first every sleepover] camp. earlier that day she watched him take his swimming test. at this camp, each child has to be able to swim the width of the river so that he or she doesn't have to wear a life jacket the rest of the summer unless it's necessary. basically, he just had to prove that he could swim.

elizabeth said that watching him made her cry. [side note: on jonah's fourth birthday the two of us cried because he was turning four. we sat at ihop with teams streaming down both both of our cheeks just bcause it was his birthday]. i've known this child since he was 18 months old, so i got the crying. and now he's almost 9 and about to spend 12 days in the hands of camp counselors where he knows no one and when did he grow up so much and where did those chubby cheeks go?...and...and....and.

yes. transition. life's changes. i understand.

for the test they stationed lifeguards every few feet, just in case something happens. or that was her assumption anyway. but as the kids swam, she realized that the lifeguards were also there to encourage them, to cheer them on, to support them. they called each child by name while saying things like, "you can do this! just a little bit further! you've got this! don't quit now!" for some of thm they yelled, but for others they spoke so softly the spectators could hardly hear.

the reason elizabeth shared this with me is this:
she realized this is just like life. she learned yesterday that God does the same thing...he wants his children to jump in the water, but along the way He sets up guideposts for us. He puts people in our lives to swim with us. while sometimes He uses them to carry us, to swim with us, other times we have to swim alone while He watches...but every few feet we come across another person He has placed there. and some friends are for just one season, but others are for several, or even all of them.

i love that the tone of the words was tailored for the person swimming - they were called by name! sometimes we need to be cheered on loudly (Job 37:2-5), but sometimes we simply need a gentle whisper, a kind word, a quiet reminder (Zephaniah 3:17).

He knows what we need, WHO we we need, and when we need them. His ways are mysterious but His timing is always, always perfect.

what matters most? everything that you feel while listening to every word that I sing

sorry for the lack of correspondence tuesday...i'm just not feeling it this week. sometimes i can't put the words together.

in lieu of all things deep and meaningful, here's a list of songs i can't! stop! listening! to! complete with either the lyrics that make my heart beat fast (and sometimes make me want to curl up in the fetal position) or my own commentary:

1. When a Heart Breaks, Dave Barnes
[Please don't leave me here]

2. Your Call, Secondhand Serenade
[I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home]

3. No Air, Jordan Sparks + Chris Brown (shut up, I know)
[I mean this song really has no redeeming qualities, it's just fun]

4. Say, John Mayer
[You'd better know that in the end it's better to say too much than never say what you need to say]

5. The Last Time He Saw Dorie, Copeland
[She was a wreck, but he loved her]
also: 6. When Finally Set Free
[Feel the pain teaching us how much more we can take
Reminding us how far we've come]

7. Breathe Me, Sia
[ok, pretty much - this entire song makes me want to die. um, in a good way of course. the piano, the voice, yikes!]
also: 8. The Girl You Lost to Cocaine
[current ringtone!]

9. Hometown Glory, ADELE
[I like it in the city when two worlds collide]

10. You’ll Come, Hillsong United (Brooke Fraser!)
[We are not shaken, we are not moved; we wait upon you Lord]

11. Bleeding Love, Leona Lewis
[I’ll blame my best friend, who played it 42,000 times the last time we hung out]

12. Close Enough, Sean McConnell
[Makes me want to fall in love so I can feel this way about someone]

13. Washington Square, Counting Crows
[When nothing I needed is left there behind me
I walk out through the shadows of Washington Square]

14. I Will Posses Your Heart, Death Cab
[How I wish you could see the potential, the potential of you and me...
It's like a book elegantly bound, but in a language that you can't read just yet]


correspondence tuesday will be back next week (sara!)

you make it hard to smile cause you make it hard to breathe

today i:

* was busy at work

* downloaded sandra and derek's ep

* drove a car through the city to new jersey without wrecking it

* got to eat P.F. Chang's with some of my fave people [Happy Birthday LA!]

* fought some battles, in my mind at least

* [or perhaps] let God fight some battles for me

* finished this book. great book.

* remembered [upon googling] that the guy who wrote this book is a real person. oh yeah, it's a memoir...and he's only 25. geez.

* ordered a REVO shirt

all i want is just to hear that i'm okay.....

last night i went to hear a band play, and you know those stamps that let everyone know you're [way] over-age? yeah, and this is where they put it at this particular venue. i spent the evening going back and forth between laughing at it and feeling like I AM OK!

like i got run over by a truck part 2!

[an update]
so far today, i:
woke up at 8am
stayed in bed until 1:00pm, only getting up to a). get breakfast (yes, i ate it in bed) and b.) pee (because of the incredible amts of water i have to drink when i take my 4 TIMES A DAY antibiotic).

currently i'm sitting on my couch with my roommate rachel. We were just talking about how freeing it is to be able to DO WHATEVER YOU WANT all day.

tonight, it's possible i'm gonna hang out with some fun friends. but only if i can drag myself to the shower and then to hell's kitchen.


how was your saturday?

like i got run over by a truck.

Recently the question "how are you" has been met with "i feel like i got run over by a truck."

March has been an insane month, good in so many ways, but exhausting. i'm pretty sure in college i stayed up until 4 am many a night...now if I go to bed past 12 i forgo the shower in favor of another 15 minutes of sleep. i've felt (and looked) like trash at work the last couple of weeks...hair in a ponytail, no makeup, and whatever combination of clothing i could put on my body that looked somewhat appealing (or, in yesterday's case, not so appealing...as i got to work an realized i had a nice GIANT stain on the front of my white sweater. i wore my marmot jacket all day, which resulted in a critical once - over by our VP. seriously, i'm the least fashionable person here...when did that happen?)

where was i? oh yes, march. a month of sleeplessness and insanity.
REVO. My roommate Rachel does a great job of summing it all up here or you can go here or here to check it out.

every spare (and not so spare) second we have lived and breathed REVO. It's been in the works for 10 months, and it's hard to believe it's over.
during REVO week we had anywhere from 2 to 6 people staying at our house on any given night. several people flew in from nashville for help and support. the week was incredible, super busy, but incredible.
and if you were here and you still want to be my friend, i'm impressed with your tenacity (and love, of course). it's all a blur now, but i'm sure my words weren't as kind as they could have been. i also need to learn to control my facial expressions, because apparently it's obvious when i'm pissed. and all this time i thought i was an emotion-hiding expert!

the stress of last week gave way to a nice cold. I also had a root canal on Monday, which still hurt yesterday. So I went back to the dentist, and he sent me to an oral surgeon, and the o.s. put me on a super strong antibiotic that i have to take 4 TIMES A DAY. the combination of meds i'm on is impressive: 6 total. Awesome.

all that to say, i'm still here, but i need some rest. this weekend i am doing whatever i want to do, and i have a sneaking suspicion that's gonna involve some sleeping. and then some more sleeping. and maybe a mani/pedi and eyebrow wax! and then sleep some more. on my back, so as to not ruin my nails.

...you can breathe, you can breathe now. you can breathe but the air is running out...